November 12th Wednesday.

My heart really isn't in Christmas since Jay-Dee passed away. Everyday is a battle to stay alive. I just wish I was dead. Its so sad. I'm depressed everyday. Ive been the cafe to see my friends. I have to force myself to go. Rachael wants me go hers tonight for a catch up but I really can not be bothered. I'm happy just sitting on my own. Ive become too comfortable with being alone. Some times I want to be in a relationship and some times, im just content on my own. Jesse and my dog sleep with me. I have no room for a partner haha. I love my cuddles off Jesse. Hes my last baby so im making the most of it. I'm currently watching my dog and kitten play together. My dog is finally getting use to Sol. Its hard work having a kitten, dont know what I was thinking, but I love him so much already. Hes only 6 weeks old this week. Didn't think I could love another pet as much as I love my pug, but I do. My kitten is so bloody cute. Ive started my Christmas shopping but if im honest I haven't got much money so ill do what I can and it'll have to do. I'm trying my best and that's all I can do. Imagine having to Christmas shop when youre dead inside.. I do it for my boys though. In 3 days it will be 5 years since my dad's death, ive not been right since my dad passed away, and its just been trauma after trauma. I miss my dad so much, he was my best friend. I miss my dad and son more than anything. I can't wait to see them again when its my time. Anyway, im going do some washing and strip my bed I think.