November 26th Wednesday.

I didn't ask to be born. Don't even know what else to say. Not left the house since Monday because Jesse has a sickness bug and its not helping my mental health. Not seen anyone since Monday, I know its only 2 days ive been stuck in, but when you suffer with your mental health it feels like a lifetime. You know what was nice though, a few of my friends had messaged me to see if I was ok because I'd not been school. Warmed my heart. When I keep thinking no one cares, they do care. I feel blessed to have the friends I have. Feel like im in a rut with my depression, like im stuck and dont know how to get better. I'm not sure what im meant to do. I just keep showing up everyday. I'm literally forcing myself to live. I force myself every morning to get out of bed. I hate it. I hate waking up. Yes, im thankful I do, but im also gutted. My heads fucked. Want to be alive, but wouldnt mind dying.. if I dont laugh, i will cry and I promised myself i wouldnt cry infront of the boys. They can't see the pain im in. We're all hurting, I dont want things to be about me. Its nearly 8pm and ive nearly made it through another day. A day closer to my death. God, im so morbid. I fantasise about death and dying. I picture myself hanging from my loft. My head is a horrible place to be. This is why im sober, i can control my thoughts. I wouldnt even be alive today if I was still drinking. After losing Jay-Dee im shocked how ive not hit the bottle. Its crazy that im sober still. Like, how? I said to my brother and sister earlier that i drink energy drinks some times, Red Bull to be precise, because it reminds me of a jager bomb and my sister said, and that's why youre sober haha. Told you before, I miss drinking, but I either live sober or die in drink. I'm choosing sober, because I choose my kids. Everything I do is for them. You know what, im tired of cooking everyday. You ever get tired of thinking every single fucking day of what to do for tea? Sick of it. Sick of doing washing. Sick of being alive. Ive got no motivation, no aspirations. I just dont get why im still here. I know, my boys, yes, but come on, surely I was meant to be more than just a mum?! God I can't wait to be better mentally. Just got to keep showing up everyday.