November 25th Tuesday.

Saw a post on Facebook that said, its ok if youre medicated everyday. So why do I feel so shit about the fact that I need medication to stay alive? Sick and tired of taking medication. Its literally keeping my head above water. I take 375mg of Venlafexine every morning, and that's the highest dose it goes upto, and then I take 15mg of Olanzopine about 7pm every night. Sick of taking my medication. Its numbed me. Some days i feel like coming off it all just so I can feel something, but then im scared ill kill myself without it. Ive been medicated since I can remember. It was always a low dose that never really helped and then my dad died and my depression got worse and the medication dose went up. I remember going to my doctor, breaking my heart, telling him I was going to kill myself. I remember saying this isn't a low mood, something is wrong with me and it was then that I was referred to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on Olanzopine and it really helped me. I said to my psychiatrist that Olanzopine has saved my life and I stand by that. I dont want to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I fear I may have to just so I can carry on living. I'm not having a good time being alive, and i know I'd be happy if I was dead. What if this is all a dream and when you die you wake up? Imagine that. My dad and Jay-Dee are on my mind always, I dont think that will ever change. I'll be grieving forever unfortunately. Ive not taken Jesse school again. I'm going end up with a fine, but some days I just dont want to get out of bed. Jesse said he felt sick when I tried to wake him up, he's fine now though the little shit! Hes going tomorrow for sure. I'm thinking of taking up running. I need to buy some running stuff which will probably be after Christmas now, but the thoughts there. Might do me good going for a run to clear my head. Anyway, going make Jesse something to eat.