November 20th Thursday.

Not taken Jesse school today. We woke up and Jesse said he didn't want go school, so I thought nor do I, so we went back to sleep. Don't judge me. Some days i just dont feel like doing life. My sister has just left, shes been here a few hours. She's not been my house in forever, so it was nice to see her. Since shes split up with her partner of 16 years, we've seen and heard from her more. My brother has been on face time through wattsapp so it was like we were all together haha. My brother hates missing out. Anyway, I dont feel too bad today, probably because my sister has been to visit. She says she suffers with anxiety too, which made me feel better. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me, and then I remind myself that my son and dad are dead, and I had cancer.. ever likely my head is fucked! I'm desperately trying to find myself, but im having no luck. I think the old me has gone forever and im living this new version of myself. My whole world has been turned upside down and im trying to work out where exactly I fit into this new life. Will I ever fit in? Do I even want to fit in? I feel like im different now. Trauma has changed my entire life. I'm sober for God's sake!?! How am I sober? Nearly 4 years abstinent from alcohol. Its crazy. I want a drink, oh my god do I want a drink. I'd love a drink. So what's stopping me? Seriously, im a grown ass women, so what is stopping me? Deep down I know i would end my life in drink. The only reason im alive today, is because im sober. Subconsciously, my mental health is stopping me from drinking. I'd act on my intrusive thoughts if I was drinking. I'm strong because im sober. I really love to be able have one or two drinks and call it a night, but i can't. I know I'd drink the bottle before going to bed. I can't trust my alcoholic self. Can't afford it, but ive just put my heating on. Its freezing, and if its this cold now can you imagine winter.. Anyway, bye.