November 13th Thursday.

Ended up going my friends last night to 2 of my friends and had my tea cooked for me. Lobby and crusty bread, was lovely. Today ive been to a remembrance craft afternoon at Jesse's school where we've made a poppy wreath. I love doing activities with Jesse, it slaps me in the face to make me realise why im fighting for my life. I'm doing it for my boys. We were given little prayer cards to write a prayer on and put in the prayer box the school has. Jesse wanted to pray for grandad and Jay-Dee, so we wrote their names on the card and posted it in the prayer box. How lovely that Jesse wanted to pray for his brother and grandad. Jesse's been having bereavement counselling on a Wednesday with Dove Bereavement. I had counselling with them after my dad died and its really helped. One thing I took from my counselling with them, is that you go through many stages of grief, from anger to sorrow and I learned that you can keep going back to stages youve already been through, and its normal to feel angry one minute and sad the next. I get angry some times, im angry at the world that my father and son are dead! I'm sad that ive got to live a life without them both. My emotions are normal that's what I also learned. I ask Jesse how his sessions go and I always tell him he doesnt have to tell me, its something he's going through and its up to him whether he wants to share his sessions with me. He tells me he talks about grandad and Jay-Dee and that's all he says, so we leave it at that. I hope the counselling helps him because its got to be hard for a 9 year old to deal with 2 deaths. Its hard for me to deal with so god knows how hard it is for my boys to deal with. One death is hard, but 2... Imagine losing your 55 year old grandad and then your 21 year old brother. Their deaths have destroyed me, so god knows how they feel. I wish my kids knew how much they save me everyday. I'd tell them but I wouldnt want to ruin their mood. I dont tell anyone how im feeling because I never want to ruin someone's mood. Nobody wants to hear about my grief everyday. So I blog about it. By the way, having a kitten is like having a toddler. Hard work but he's beautiful. Anyway, bye.