November 27th Thursday.

Ive been out to the shops this morning, get some fresh air. Jasper had a 2 hour break at college so he came home and watched Jesse. Hes going back school tomorrow. Hes better now. I'm currently sat with the dog and cat asleep on me thinking of my son. I'm just devastated. I miss him so so much. Its killing me. Will this type of grief ever get easier? Losing a parent is bad enough, but to lose a child.. that's something else. Its a pain ive never felt. My heart cries out everyday for my son. I was blessed to be his mother for 21 years. 21 years of age, it breaks my heart. I'll never understand why it had to be my dad and my son, and then my cancer in-between. Ive been dealt a rough life that I just wish would end. I can't see me ever getting better. How do you live after losing a child? I'm struggling. I could cry. Ive had enough of fighting everyday to stay alive. Feel like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders and its all grief. Grief is heavy. I'm so lucky ive got a sister and brother. We video call each other everyday and I always end up laughing. I am grateful for my friends and brother and sister. I'm grateful I woke up this morning to see my children, but there's also a part of me that wishes I was dead so I can see my father and son again. I dont see a point to my life, but my kids need me. I feel like my depression has gotten worse just lately and im thinking its because Christmas is coming. Everyday is hard, but Christmas is really hard. My heart isn't in Christmas at all. Ive barely brought anything. I just want it to be over already. Not feeling festive. Christmas isn't the same anymore since my dad passed away. I use to visit my dad every Christmas day. I miss him so much. After I'd seen my dad, I'd cook a dinner for me and my boys, one of them has gone and its just not the same. God im heartbroken.