November 17th Monday.

Wanted to kill myself this morning. Thought about it, and then snapped myself out of it. For a second I thought about killing myself. I keep asking myself, why am I still here? How am I getting through each day? Where is my strength coming from? I'll be honest, i dont know. I dont know why I keep going, well I do, its the thought of leaving my kids with no mother. The only reason im not dead already, is because I couldnt bare the thought of my kids feeling the way I feel after losing my father and son. The pain I feel, I just couldnt bare it if my sons felt this way. They are my reason to keep going. I'd love nothing more than to end my own life, but I simply can't do it. I'm tired though, im emotionally drained from grieving. Its a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. I went out with my friends yesterday, I had a lovely few hours. Wanted to tell them how depressed I was, but I couldnt find the words. Didn't want to ruin our day out. Its easier to just blog about it. I'm tired. I just want to get into bed and lie there. I'm not sleepy tired, im mentally tired. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Will I  ever feel happiness again? What if this is me forever? I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I'm in survival mode. I want to be thriving, not just surviving. I want my kids to see me happy, I wish they knew how depressed I was. I wish they'd tell me, its ok for me to go. That would never happen, I know. Just got to keep going haven't I?