November 2nd Sunday.

Dreamt about Jay-Dee last night, pissed off that I woke up. Just want to be with him. Its made me feel like shit waking up and he's not here. When will this get better? I can't take it anymore. I'm so heartbroken. Waking up has ruined my day. I'm in a shitty mood and im trying snap myself out of it. I could cry. I just want my son back. I'm so fed up. Can't even remember my dream now, i just know i saw my son. Its only dinner time and I already want to go back bed. Meant be meeting a few friends for a catch up, but im honestly not in the mood to do anything. I honestly wish I was dead. I can't do this anymore, I feel like ending my life. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, im tired. I am mentally exhausted. So fucking tired of being alive. I'm in a foul mood today. Just had to fill 2 forms in online ready for my dentist appointment tomorrow and its pissed me off. I'm just pissed off today. I'm angry at the world!! I just want my child back. I want to see my dad. I could scream!!! I'm filled with anger today, maybe i should go see my friends to snap me out of it. How could God let this happen? How am I meant to live without my child? I feel so run down, ive got swollen glands and ulcers in my mouth. My head is banging, I just feel like shit. Dreaming of Jay-Dee has knocked the wind out of me, I could cry. I'm going get dressed and make a cup of tea and hope i feel a bit better. Can't be bothered to do anything today. Feel so run down. I shouldn't be questioning my faith, but I find myself doing it. How could God let this happen? I have to believe there's a reason, but what could the reason possible be? What would I achieve from losing my son? What is the reason my son was taken from me? I'm going to pray for strength to get me through today. Pray that the suicidal thoughts dont win. Back to the school run tomorrow. Looking forward to routine, but not getting up early. It will do me good to get out of the house. Ive wrote today off as a bad day, again! Everyday is a bad day just lately. Back to trauma therapy Tuesday, is it helping? Nope. It just costs me £20 to get there and back in a taxi, to sit there and dissociate through the whole session. Maybe im not ready for therapy, or maybe im just too far gone for help. The meds are keeping me afloat thank god. Anyway, im going. I'm going make a cuppa and take my meds.