November 30th Sunday.

I'm just sat thinking about my son. I try to remember his voice in my mind and its hard. I can't remember my dad's voice, its been forever since ive heard him. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. 2026 has got to be a better year or I just won't make it out alive. I can't do another year like the last 5. I dont know how im still alive. The last 5 years since my father's death, have been a blur. My memory is shocking. I'm hanging on by a thread. Head is literally above water. Jesse's going back school tomorrow. I need to see my friends and get out of this house before it consumes me. Its 4pm and I just want to go bed. Fed up of being an adult. Jesse's gone out with Damian, so its just me and Jasper. Hes going soon though, he stayed over last night. Forced myself to shower, go me! Depression is killing me, that and grief. I need to find myself, 2026 has got to be my year. I'm praying for happiness. It would be so nice to write a happier blog. Not done anything this weekend. Nothing at all except washing. I feel a bit burnt out even though ive done nothing. I'm mentally exhausted. All I think about day and night is my dead father and son. The only escape i have is when im asleep. Probably why I love being asleep. I'm away from my own thoughts and there's always a chance my dad and son could visit me. How are my dad and son both dead?? You ever sit there and think about things and be like wtf happened? How has life ended up like this? Ive come to terms with what's happened, so why am I still not living life? Why am I drowning in grief? Why can't I just move on? I just want to scream! Why am I like this? I wish someone would just take my pain away, even if just for one day..