Cancer, Depression and Me.

 Well, I am not usually stuck for words, but I don't really know how to describe my own book. Firstly, wow. If I had to pick a word, it would be 'deep'. Secondly, omg, well done to me for coming so far from such a very dark lonely place. Now I have read what I have written, I can see the changes in me that I have made and to say I am proud of myself would be an understatement, I can see how far I have come. Don't get me wrong, I still have dark days but now I'm getting myself out of them. For example, this morning I broke my heart, I said things to myself that I am thankful for, I then told myself I am allowed to be sad but don't stay there for too long. I then wiped my eyes and carried on with my day. I sat on the sofa earlier and looked at my dad's canvas on the wall, I went sad because I miss him so much, but being sad won't bring him back so I snapped out of it and wore my famous fake smile. I have become so consumed by grief, that I forgot to be tha

 So, today I decided to face one of my demons (yes, there's a few) but one of them is not being able to read back anything I have written. You're probably thinking, well you would have had to read them back to type them up for the paperback, you'd think that wouldn't you, but nope. Somehow, I managed to just type but not focus, if that makes sense. They were just words; I didn't read into them. So, I am going to read my own paperback, pop back on here and give my own review, on my own book. Back soon xxx

 I have realised how strong I actually am, I have dealt with so much and I have been knocked down over and over, but every single time I get back on my feet and I carry on regardless of how most days I want to die. I can't tell you how often I have to battle with intrusive thoughts, but I do it every day unknowingly. I silently win these battles without knowing, now I'm sat reflecting on things, thinking, damn girl you really are still here fighting for life!! That day when I collected my dad's ashes, and it was nearly game over for me after taking prescription sleeping tablets, that day, was the day I was reborn. I am now a Christian and I believe I was guided down this path of sobriety I am on because my dad can see up there how my life had hit rock bottom. It wasn't my time to go, and I I'm not only needed for my children but I'm on a journey of finding myself sober. The true Ann-Louise, not the Ann-Louise that has hidden herself behind alcohol since her earl

 Didn't read anything about season 3, I'm on episode 9 and it hits hard watching a Cervical Cancer story line after having it myself last year. Made me feel so thankful that mine was found early enough, mine was 1b something, maybe 1b1, I don't know, I can't remember. Weird how your brain can block out something so important but mine has managed to block out the whole of 2021. I get flash backs now and then of things, like watching this, I can relate to it all, not just my cancer but going through dads with him too. It's hard and like I've said before every day is a battle to survive, at the moment, on this day as my youngest son would say, on this day, I am indeed doing ok. I make jokes about having cancer, guess I've got a dark sense of humour but it's the only way I guess I can cope with having cancer. People deal with it in different ways, one thing I can say is this, 'Cancer didn't kill me so I'll be damned if depression will'.

  Hate the way I look but trying my best love myself. How can I expect love from others when I don't even love myself?  I hate life right now but at the same time I'm so thankful for everyday depression doesn't beat me. It's hard being me, it's a hard life, the past few years have been harder than ever. Thinking back, my whole life has been a struggle to survive, why couldn't I have been born happy.  There's always been an issue with my mental health, and I never got the help I needed when younger which is why, my mental health has depleted. Now every day is a battle to stay alive. I don't feel like life today but now I'm stronger, I can deal with these days. It's the days that I feel really low that are a struggle, I have to tell myself over and over that I do have better days and that is how I get through them. This issue I have with my appearance has also been an issue all my life, last year (2021) I went the biggest I have ever been in my lif

 I HATE wrapping Christmas presents; I hate it even more this year, without fail every year since my teens Christmas time means Baileys. As the years went on, Christmas time to started to become Baileys mixed with Jack Daniels. No, I'm not joking, then all year round it was Jack Daniels. This will be my first Christmas sober....... Without fail wrapping presents I would be drinking Baileys regardless of the time of day. My names Ann-Louise and I am 326 days sober today. Today is hard because I could literally right about now drink a Baileys on ice, but I won't. I'm not miserable because I'm not drinking, I'm just not happy about Christmas in general, without fail, I would see my dad every Christmas day so it's hard for me. Not drinking is so hard some days, the number of times my mind wonders thinking of a jd and coke, it's unfair really that drink became a massive part in my life, but it did and even though I wasn't drinking first thing in the morning,

 I'm probably going sound like I have lost my mind, thing is, I'm starting to think I actually have. So, how do I say this without sounding bat shit crazy?? A few months back, one night in bed, it was the night I started Olanzapine, I decided to put my earbuds in and listen to a podcast that relaxes the mind and body and opens Chakras. Swear down this is not a joke hahaha, anyway, after a few nights of opening my Chakras and slowly drifting off to sleep, I started seeing angel numbers. I kid you not..... Upon research, it says Angel Numbers are messages from my guardian angels, aka my dad. It's got to be right?? I think I am being guided by above down the right path in life and that going to Church was the right thing to do. Have I mentioned Church? If not, I go to Church now. Right place, right time. Anyway, side tracked again then, I feel I have been spiritually reborn. There I said it. Someone is sending my messages, or I have indeed lost my mind. I'm going to say, f

Decided to do a before and after because I am having a good day and I can see and feel how far I have come on days like this. It's easy to forget that some days I am indeed happy, unfortunately, the low days outweigh the good, but they're happening and that is what I have to remember, or I'd end up dead if I let them dark days win. Tell you what though, I do think sometimes, what would life be like now for my children, it doesn't bare thinking about. I am so grateful that the NHS saved my life and I'm still here to share my life with you. I have to keep telling myself, I'm not alone with suffering with depression, as lonely as it gets, I know I am not alone in this world. I know my dad walks beside me every single day, I have to believe that or what's the point in living. Looking at them 2 pics together I can see how far I have come and for that I will be eternally grateful. I am truly blessed to see another day with my children xxx 

 Not sure I've blogged about this before, but roughly 7 months ago I went off meat. I can't bring myself to eat it anymore, how strange. I'm putting it down to cancer forcing me through the menopause and it has completely changed not only what I eat but me as a person. I'll still cook meat for the children and if I am honest, I have never been a big meat lover. I'll buy veggie sausages before meat ones because personally I love the taste. So, it's not been a massive change really except for the fact now I will point blank refuse to eat meat if offered or cooked for me. My body my choice. Going go off track slightly, as you may have already noticed I have a habit of going slightly off track haha.. Bet I have mentioned this film before 'Last Christmas' with Emilia Clarke in, think it has been the last 3 years I have watched it over and over, it is my favourite film ever, even got the soundtrack on Spotify, who doesn't love a bit of George Michael. Ther

 38 years of age and I still sh, I have struggled with sh (self-harm) since my teenage years, if you've suffered yourself, you'll understand where I'm about to come from.. I'll be our voice and explain a bit about sh. for those who are lucky enough to of never had to go through this illness. I'm saying illness because that is exactly what it is. When you suffer with depression, sh unfortunately for me came part and parcel. It was never just depression or sh, lucky ol' me got both!! Let me start by clearing something up, we/i  don't sh to die, we don't want to kill ourselves. We don't do it for attention, we do it because it's a release from pent up anger, frustration, loneliness, emptiness, sorrow, I could go on, but I think you get what I'm trying say. I don't want to die; I don't even want to take a blade to my own skin but inside I am screaming for help. Silent screams that no one could hear, screams that if came out, would scare p

It's 22:35pm, I can't switch off. Olanzapine works most nights but I still have the odd night where my mind won't switch off. It's 2 years tomorrow since my dad gained his wings, I've been thinking all day, how have I made it through these past 2 years, its crazy to think I'm still alive. It's like I blinked and we're here, 2 years have passed by that fast. Makes you realise that time is so precious, you don't know when it's your time to go, it's inevitable that one day we will all die. Its scary really to think one day without any warning, we'll be gone and someone else who loves us is going to feel the way we feel. What a viscous circle life is. I was thinking, how do I make the most of my life when I'm that depressed I've no motivation to even brush my teeth some days. I'm wasting my time being sad but I can't stop how I feel. What if tomorrow never came and all I did for 2 years prior to my own death was feel numb and

2 years ago today, I had a breakdown that I never recovered from, to this day I'm still lost in a dark, lonely place.

 When I was in therapy with Dove my anxiety was at an all-time high, I remember a coping mechanism for anxiety was music, I personally have always used music for releasing stress, but now I use earbuds when I am out alone. I used to be such a confident person and now It is like I'm a shell of my old self. You know I was fine this morning, I shaped and tinted my eyebrows, did laundry, tanned my face so I don't look like I am ill (I look ill). After I'd attempted to make myself look half decent at least, I looked in the mirror, stared at myself and thought, you are ugly. Going back to the music, which coincidentally I have on today (just a mix of everything and anything), I'm still sat feeling lonely. I'm in the living room on the laptop writing this blog post, Jesse is playing in front of me, and I still feel like nothing. As I sit thinking, my boys really are my entire world, I would walk to the ends of the earth if I had to, to protect and love my children. What a

Don't know if I said yesterday but I self published my own paperback book. It is available to purchase now. Don't know how this all happened but I had a sign to put my dark poetry into a book. It's not been easy but I did it. The purpose of the book is to reach others that feel the same as I do daily. I hope anyone with mental health speaks out and begs for help like I did. I literally broke down and said there is something wrong with me and if you don't help me I will end up dead, that is how low I have got but now I'm finally getting help. Better later than me killing myself.  The Intrusive thoughts are something else, I don't think I go a day where I don't think about suicide, the only, and I mean this from my heart, the only reason I am not dead is because I picture Jesse-Johns face expecting see his mummy at the end of his school day and to be told he'll never see his mummy again. That is why I am still here, my 4 boys regardless of their ages need

 Well, today was a good day. Met my sister for a coffee which we haven't done in forever. We used to meet up every week for a coffee so it was really nice, we did a bit of Christmas shopping and overall, it was a really nice few hours. You see, I have days like this, I think the most I have had in a row (good days that is) is about 3. 3 better days should I say, not good but you know what I mean. I mean, is that normal? What is the number of better day's that people have in a row? Surely no one is happy 7 days a week???? I am not even sure if I know the full extent of happiness, if that makes sense. I mean how happy is happy? What type of happiness am I aiming for, probably the sort where you don't have to wear a smile, you know, I just smile because I am actually genuinely happy and I'm not just smiling to be polite. Yeah, that's what I'm after.

 Yesterday was a real bad mental health day, i cried for a good 80% of the day, as soon as i opened my eyes i knew it was a bad day, today isn't much better but i haven't cried yet so that is a bonus. I am currently sat in bed with my fleece throw around me because i am freezing and because of the cost of living, i only put my heating on in the evening for the kids. I have washed half my pile of dishes that have been sat there for 4 days. If i don't do them, no one will. My laundry pile is sky high but i just haven't got any motivation at all. I really have no interest in life and that's really sad. I have got a review in December (next month) on my new medication so i'm hoping they tweak it and maybe i can start to feel some happiness. One thing i can say is my sleep has improved massively so that is massive. From sleeping less than 4 hours to now easily over 6-7 that makes my days so much easier to manage mentally. I'm getting there, slowly, but i am and f

 I started a new Bereavement group counselling course today. With Dove Bereavement it was one to one so who knows, if anything at least I can say I tried every available avenue. This Bereavement course is led by Rev Rob from school, he is such a lovely thoughtful man. I did a lot of crying today. I knew as soon as I opened my eyes that today was a bad day, don't ask me how, I just knew. So, it is 16:42pm now and I feel emotionally and mentally drained. For someone so small (5ft 3") I can personally cry a river. Also, I am still waiting for my paperback review to hurry, it has been 24 hours now. I know it can take up to 72 hours, but they might not even approve yet, not as bad as waiting to see if my cancer was in my Lymph Nodes but it is up there Haha. Goodnight xxx

 Just woke up, had to come on here before I forget what I want to write, I had this dream type whatever it was last night, I woke up feeling all out of sorts. Just taken Jesse to school, I missed one of my meds yesterday as I ran out. I knew I was running out, but my brain thought 'you'll be fine' and here I am, not being all fine and shit. I can hear you saying, 'go get your meds' I will at some point today. I have got so much to do in this house, but I've climbed into bed, hate days like this, you would think I'd be used to them now but I'm not, I actually hate these days. I know I am sad, but I just don't know why. I start yet, another bereavement counselling course later today, not even holding out hope because unless you can give me my dad back, well.... I must admit I did take on a lot of coping strategies from Dove, but it still doesn't stop the constant heartache I feel daily. I'm going anyway, the number of errors I keep making whils

 I was going to go to church today, but Jesse-John had other ideas. He wanted a lazy day and who I am to complain about wearing pjs all day, I mean after all my favourite thing to do is stay indoors. Joking aside though, I wanted to go to Church. I have written 2 short eBooks and today I combined them both to create a paperback, it's under review and can take up to 72 hours but after it has been approved, I am pretty sure you can buy today bit exciting but also very nerve wrecking. Think I am more worried about what people make of the words I have written and also, what if it doesn't sell. Shit. What have I done. Oh well what will be will be, can't possibly make my life any worse so sod it lol.

 It is hard to believe that in 10 days my father will have been gone for 2 years, where have them 2 years gone? On the 11th of this month 2 years ago I did a Britney Spears and shaved all my hair completely off, I had a breakdown I think, just could not cope with the thought of leaving my dad. I'll find a pic after and post it, I looked so unwell mentally, you can see the darkness filling me with sadness and fear over what was about to come, did not expect it to be 4 days after I would lose my best friend in the whole world.

Do i love you I always did Stevie Nicks 💕

 I'm sat thinking, if cancer had never of happened to my dad and i, I'd be a full-time mobile hairdresser now, it's weird isn't it, you plan all these things in your head about how you want your future to go, then in the blink of an eye everything can change. That's what happened to me, i was so outgoing before the trauma, now i am just a shadow of my old self. I have no desire at all now to do hairdressing full time, I'll still do my sister's but i don't want it as a source of income anymore. I definitely had a spiritual awakening this year, i look forward to going to church, the peace i feel when i walk in i cannot describe, but i know I'm in the right place.  I'm not really sure what is it i want to do, but i know blogging makes me happy, i get to get everything out of my system to people i will never meet.

 It's so weird because this is my 3rd day where i feel ok. This happened last month, and the sadness hit again after 2 and a half days hahaha not funny though really, is it? I'm feeling positive that i'll be ok today, i've been thinking alot today about how much my heart isn't in hairdressing anymore, or life really. I think maybe i was just meant to write about how shit my life actually is. I hope people who suffer with depression read my blogs and feel some comfort knowing they are not alone, and we'll eventually find happiness together. I say to myself, life can't get any worse than it already has so the only way is up. I was saying to my mum yesterday that one day depression will win and i want you to know i tried, mum reckons it won't, but she doesn't have intrusive thoughts every day, sometimes a few times a day to have to fight. It really is a fight, it's a fight to not SH never mind suicide but i am here to see another day and i am feelin

 Positive blogging today. had a productive day, well i did yesterday too (i put my Christmas decs up straight after taking Halloween down). Today i ventured further than the school, i went my mums to get my disgusting over 2" root growth done. Spent a few hours with mum which was nice, always nice to come home after a few hours and seeing my baby Pug, Sicily, she is the absolute best, she's so loving but she can piss you off, she's always under my feet!! But she gives the best cuddles when you're feeling low 💓 I've made more of an effort this year with Christmas decorations, not just because Jesse is only 6, but because the past 2 Christmases I've no recollection of so this year i need to be here more for my boys. They need their mum just as much as i need them. I'll post a pic of me today, the difference a good mental health can make, fingers crossed i get another tomorrow xoxox