Positivity at its finest. Today I am thankful for life.

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 I have realised how strong I actually am, I have dealt with so much and I have been knocked down over and over, but every single time I get back on my feet and I carry on regardless of how most days I want to die. I can't tell you how often I have to battle with intrusive thoughts, but I do it every day unknowingly.

I silently win these battles without knowing, now I'm sat reflecting on things, thinking, damn girl you really are still here fighting for life!!

That day when I collected my dad's ashes, and it was nearly game over for me after taking prescription sleeping tablets, that day, was the day I was reborn.

I am now a Christian and I believe I was guided down this path of sobriety I am on because my dad can see up there how my life had hit rock bottom. It wasn't my time to go, and I I'm not only needed for my children but I'm on a journey of finding myself sober. The true Ann-Louise, not the Ann-Louise that has hidden herself behind alcohol since her early teens. This Ann-Louise, the one I was back before all the trauma I have gone through in my life.

I feel more connected to myself if that makes sense, everything is so much clearer which explains why my dad's death has hit me hard 2 years on, Father's Day this year hit me so hard, everything came flooding back, every single detail, it has been torture but now with medication and lots of different counsellor's and now a new psychiatrist that finally heard my cry for help, I now have tools to use, methods to try and get my mind out of this dark place it often wonders to. Also, nobody is perfect and none of us will ever figure life out. I need to be more thankful for what I have in life and not what I could have, or I'd like to have. Focus on the here and now.

I say this now, but as we know, tomorrow I could be feeling low again, but I won't give up, I'll tell myself things I am thankful for, I'll still be sad about my dad's death, but he wouldn't want me to stay sad for too long.

So, today I am thankful for my 4 children, their baby sister, my puggy and most of all, I am thankful to see another day.xxx


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