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Cancer, Depression and Me.

2 years ago today 13/11/2022

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- November 13, 2022

2 years ago today, I had a breakdown that I never recovered from, to this day I'm still lost in a dark, lonely place.

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June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

- June 14, 2024

The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...

January 27th Monday.

- January 27, 2025

I went out Saturday, only for a couple of hours. The food was lovely and I enjoyed being out of the house. Yesterday I went to see my friend so it hasn't been a bad weekend. I don't know why but I hate been stuck in the house. My mind goes on overdrive when I'm sat on my own. I guess that's normal under the circumstances. Wednesday is fast approaching and I'm so nervous. I'm nervous but can't wait to learn how to drive. It will do me the world of good I know this. I've started eating meat again after being a vegetarian for 3 years. How strange how the body changes. I was craving bacon so I ate bacon, and I'm so glad I did. Bacon is delicious. Bacon and cheese oatcakes I've just eaten. How did I go 3 years not eating meat? I've not long got back from the cafe. I go every morning and have a cup of tea and a chat with my friends. I'm not feeling to bad today mentally speaking. I was thinking this morning, how are my dad and son dead? It j...

March 11th Tuesday.

- March 11, 2025

I went to the spiritualist church last night in the hopes my son would come through but he didn't. Gutted. I was desperate to hear off him. My friends aunty came through and I'm happy for her. The medium didn't really go into any detail about the person it was things you could of said to anyone. I dunno, maybe if my son had come through maybe I would of believed in what she was saying. I've had another driving lesson this morning and I did way better. I'm glad because I was thinking of stopping, so I'm happy I did better. I'm getting the hang of the clutch now. I even reversed today. I've done some washing today and pegged it out but I think it's gone a bit cold. I've heard we've got snow coming, typical after the nice weather we've been having. Can't wait to get the school run done so I can get a bath and get in my pj's. I can't wait go bed. I love being in bed.