Cancer, Depression and Me.

Got up this morning and went to Church. My friend Rachael came with me today which was really nice. When im in Church, i know its where im meant to be. Can't describe the feeling i get, but it fills me with so much peace. My mind is peaceful whilst I listen to the sermon. I love singing worship songs. It just makes me happy being there. Ive been going to church since my dad passed away, so nearly 5 years now. I dont go every week because some Sundays I dont want to get out of bed early, but im always happy when I go. Rachael doesnt have a Bible and its her birthday in 2 weeks so that's what im getting her for her birthday. Ive seen a lovely pink Bible im buying. A lady at Church brought me my first Bible. It was a lovely gift to receive. We went back Rachaels after church for an hour or so and im back home now, straight in my pjs. I love being in my pjs. I was telling Rachael how I was worried about getting through the 6 week holidays and how much its helped me seeing my friend...

Happy birthday to my Jensen. Hes the most thoughtful, kind and caring person. Hes currently on holiday, living his best life. I'm so proud of him. I love my boys so much. Him and Jay-Dee are both 22 now until Jay-Dee turns 23 on the 30th of September. Both born on the 30th. My Irish twins. Ive prayed this morning for strength, I need strength to keep going. I prayed that my dad and son are both ok. I prayed that ill get better mentally.  I'm not sure how ive made it this far in life. Prayer helps. I was thinking earlier about how its been over a year since I lost my child, and its hard to believe. I ask myself how im making it through each day and i honestly dont know. Where is my strength coming from? I thought about waiting until my boys are a bit older, then ill kill myself. I can't keep living the way I am. Somethings got to give. I dont want to live to an old age feeling the way I feel. How on earth do you carry on living after the loss of a child? It's torture. In...

Didn't do anything at all yesterday. It was a shitty day. Mental health was shit, I didn't even blog. Just spent the day on my own trapped in my own head. I keep waiting for something good to happen, but it never does. Jesse goes back to school Tuesday and I can honestly say, I can not wait. Back to a routine. Thank God. Jensen is 22 years old tomorrow, he'd usually be the same age as Jay-Dee for all of September with them being born in the same year. Jay-Dee will be 23 the end of September, but forever 21. Just typing that, my heart sank. Feels like a heavy weight inside of me. Grief is heavy.  Had my brother here all day today so its not been too bad. He went about an hour ago and now im sat on my own over thinking. Why my dad and son? Life is so unfair. Can't put into words how much i miss them both, but you could probably imagine. I'd give anything to see them both again. It hurts even more knowing ill never see them again. Why did God choose me to fight so many...

Just got home from spending a few hours at Rachaels house. We chat like we've not had our hearts broken. We laugh and have good conversations. Does me the world of good seeing my friend's. Before I went Rachaels, I was sat looking at a tiktok i made of Jay-Dee, it was a photo of him with the music Forever Young playing in the background. My heart was heavy and I had to stop myself from crying. Then i went to see Rach and it all went away, if only for the few hours I was with her, I felt some what normal. So blessed to have the friends I have. I only have a handful of good friends and im grateful. How am I feeling now im back home? Sad again. Sat on my own filled with grief. My sons ashes are on my fire for me to see everyday, and my dad's ashes are in my bedroom, which i see every night. Ever likely im mentally unwell. And no, im not scattering their ashes. I couldn't, I wouldn't. I'll have them with me until I die. I'm hoping as the years go on, their death...

I see glimpses of Jay-Dee in Jasper some times and it makes me smile that he's living on through his brothers. My heart feels heavy just now. Ive been to see a couple of my friends, which was nice. When we meet up it takes my mind of the sadness it carries with it daily. My mind is occupied, just for a couple of hours. I'm still the grieving mum and the grieving daughter, but I feel a bit more human when im with my friends. I'm blessed to have such a loving, supportive group of friends. I'll be honest, I'm not sure how or if im ever going to get better and that scares me. I'm frightened that im going to be lost forever, forced to live a life that I hate whilst feeling the way I do. Its cruel making me live this way. I'm having a bad day aren't I? Yep. Not really sure what else to say. All I ever want to talk about is my dad and my son,  but people dont want to hear that everyday. Jay-Dee and my dad were my whole world. My first born son. My loving father...

Jesse didn't want to come my mums with me today whilst I got my hair done, so I left him at home with Jasper. So anyway, its a big thing for me to leave the house alone, but I got ready and I walked to 2 shops by myself and then got a taxi to my mums. Leaving the house on my own and walking to the shops when I have really bad anxiety is a big deal for me. My hair is finally all done. Ive got a before and after photo. The after photo is wet hair so it'll be even lighter when its dried off. My head feels so tender from having it bleached. Its been that long since I last had it done, probably why my head is tender. I did my mums hair whilst I was there so she has no roots now too. We both let ourselves go over the holidays I think. Its amazing how much better I feel now my hair has been done.  I'm not feeling to bad today, mentally speaking. Wish my dad and son were here, but they're not, and I've got to live with it. Its hard you know, living is hard work. Not sure wh...

Went out for food last night, I had a sizzler mixed grill. Oh god it was bloody lovely. Had nachos for a starter and ice cream for desert but couldn't eat that. Was so nice to get out with the girls for a few hours. Did me good. Ive spent the day alone today, in my pjs watching The Resident on Netflix. My mind goes on overdrive when im sat on my own. Ive been thinking of how Cancer stole my dad from me, literally starved him to death over a period of 19 months. Watching a 15 stone man turn into a skeleton. I was thinking about my son taking the recreational drugs and killing himself. I'm over thinking everything today. How do you live a life when you're filled with grief? How do I live with grief? I'm trying to live, I really am. Every single day I think about my father and son, and every day its hits me hard that they're gone forever.. I'll feel better tomorrow when ive been and had my hair done. Can't wait show you a before and after of my roots. They'...

Washed, dried and straightened my hair last night so its ready for tonight. Got massive roots, can't wait get them done Monday. Looking forward to getting out the house tonight and having a meal with the girls. My hair is down my back now, I keep thinking of going short but I like it when its been done. Its just a task doing it. I'm 4lb down in week one of Mounjaro, probably because of all the shitting I've been doing. The side effects are horrible. I'm meant jab again today but ill do it after I've been out for my meal. Got my heart set on a mixed grill. Just hoping im not ill again after I jab.. 1 week left of the school holidays, the last 5 weeks have flown. Can't wait get back into a routine and see my friend's at the cafe. Jensen arrived safe in Colombia thank god. He's there for 11 nights I think. He'll be 22 a week today. Jay-Dee should be turning 23 next month, im so gutted he's not here anymore. All I ever think about is my dad and son. ...

Had a take away last night and I've felt sick as a dog today with being on Mounjaro. Had the shits and could of easily thrown my guts up, but I haven't. I feel so sick, but on a lighter note, Jay-Dee was in my dreams last night. Can't really remember my dream but I remember seeing Jay-Dee. Jesse tried to wake me up this morning and I told him, with my eyes closed that I was dreaming of Jay-Dee so he went away and i got back to my dream. This is why I love being asleep, there's always a chance ill see my dad and son again when im asleep. Got my brother coming today, was meant be getting my hair done but I've rearranged it for Monday. I just feel so sick today. It'll teach me for having a take away whilst im on Mounjaro. Wasn't even that hungry so dont know why I had one. Fuck sake, I let myself down. Ive calorie counted all week too. Back to the calorie counting today. Ive got stomach cramps. All this from one take away. Let's hope I learn my lesson now. ...

Woke up early, got dressed and took Jasper to his enrolment into college. He dropped out last year because Jay-Dee died, so he's trying again this year. Its got to be just as hard for the boys as it is for me, losing Jay-Dee. They must secretly grieve the way I do. I have this blog to talk to, they keep it to themselves. I feel for them. I know what they're going through. Jensen left for Colombia this morning for 11 nights I think he said. Hope he has the best time, I miss him already. Hes living his best life and I couldn't be prouder. I'm so proud of my boys, like I say, they're my reason to live.  Weighed myself earlier and I've not lost any weight so Mounjaro clearly isn't working for me. Maybe i need a stronger dose, I dunno. I feel ok today, I've been see a couple of my friends earlier and its done me good. Today i feel better than i did yesterday. Such a long blog yesterday's was. Because I haven't lost any weight we got a take out for tea...

A day of doing nothing, its depressing. Ive showered and washed my hair because im going to college tomorrow with Jasper for his enrolment. Can't remember the last time I washed my hair, some days im lucky I brush my teeth. Depression really got me looking homeless. Can't be bothered to get my hair done Friday, but I know it needs doing. You never know, it might increase my mood, because right now my mood is pretty low. I'm desperately trying to lose weight. I'm sick of feeling fat and ugly. Yes, I know beauty comes from within, but I dont feel one bit beautiful. I hate what I see in the mirror. I'm so depressed. Just taken my meds and changed my HRT patch, saying to myself 'take the meds so I can get better'. But im not getting better, I feel like the medication just keeps my head above water. Do you know what i mean? I'm far from thriving shall we say that. I'm in survival mode. I have to get through each day whether I like it or not. The key facto...

Slept loads better last night, can't believe how unwell I felt yesterday morning. Day 3 on Mounjaro, I've been eating but not as much as I was eating before, so we'll see how it goes. I got up this morning and forced myself to get dressed. Jesse and I walked to Heron to stock up on frozen food. My freezer is full again, and then we walked puggy. The boys have all gone bowling now with Damian, so I've gotten into my pjs. Jensen goes to Colombia in 2 days, im going to miss him but he's living his best life. Hes planning a trip to NYC which will be amazing for him. I went to New York twice when I was younger. Its the best place I've ever been too. Time Square is amazing. I think its quite cold today, do you? How am I feeling today? I'm ok, im still here, still fighting and still showing up. Ive got kids that need me, giving up isn't an option anymore. I was thinking to myself, when will I meet someone to love? Ive been single a while now, but then I was als...

Had such a bad night, started Mounjaro on Saturday night and i think its kicked in. Ive been up all night with really bad acid and sulphur burps. Ive shit myself twice and i feel sick as a dog. Apparently these are side effects! Wtf. Ever likely you lose weight, I feel too ill to eat. Was meant be getting my hair done today and had to cancel that until Friday. I can't be doing with feeling like this every week when I jab. I'd rather be fat! Nothing i can do now because its in my system, so we'll see how much weight i lose in a week before I next jab. Mentally i dont feel too bad, I just feel ill today. Why can't I just be happy being a bigger girl? Jasper slept last night so he's here with me which is nice. I'm so gutted about my hair, I was so excited to get it done and now I've got wait. I'm going get a shower soon and see if that makes me feel better. I went see my friend last night which made me feel better, I was having a shitty mental health day ye...

I was thinking last night how im meant to come to terms with my father and sons death, and i honestly dont know what to do. How do you come to terms with death? How do i deal with what's happened? I have so many questions that go unanswered. Why on earth did my son kill himself? I'll never know why and it kills me inside. Why did cancer starve my dad to his death? It kills me inside. Why didn't I die of my cancer? Why did I have to live? It's like im being punished to live a life i hate. It should of been me. I'm the one who wants to die! I'm going out of my mind. I'm tired of fighting for a life i hate. Why can't I be happy? How could I be happy with what's happened? I dont think I'll ever be happy again after losing my dad and my child. Is this me forever now? Full of sadness and grief? I'm tired of doing the washing everyday, im tired of cooking meals for the kids, im tired of doing dishes. I'm just tired. I wish I could just lie in be...

My brothers been visit today,  he's not long gone. He weeded my garden for me whilst I was getting through some washing. Ive just had a quick shower and im back in clean pjs. Ive just had a conversation with my dad in the hopes that he can hear me. I told him that I hope Jay-Dee is with him. I pray they're together in heaven smiling down on me because im doing my best. I told him how much I miss him and Jay-Dee, and how I long to see them. My dad's ashes are on my draws in my bedroom, and Jay-Dees ashes are on the fire place in the living room. I talk to them both alot. Some times I feel like im going crazy because im basically talking to myself. I just hope they can hear me. Sighhh. I sure do miss them both. Anyway, Jasper and Jensen have just biked to the gym. The ice cream man came before I went get my shower, so I went out to get Jesse an ice cream, I was in my pjs, hairs greasey with massive roots that im getting done Monday, and I bump into an ex. Fucking typical, I l...

Been to Forest Park today and met my sister for an hour. Jensen came and did 3 laps around the lake in this heat. Crazy. Jesse took his scooter so he could go on the ramps area. Got him off his ps5 for a couple of hours so that's good. We went Asda and brought everything to make tacos for tea, which I've just made. 1kg of mince meat I've had to fry, a bloody kg. That's alot of meat to fit in 1 frying pan, but we did it. Doesn't matter what I do or where I go, my dad and son constantly cross my mind. Thinking about Jay-Dees t shirt tan he use to have working in this heat. I remember giving him sun cream for his neck because he use to burn. God I miss my son so much. My heart aches everyday. I miss my dad taking me out on rides out to country pubs when the weather was hot like this. I just miss them both more than anything. I'm so thankful for the time I had with them both, but dying at 55 and 21 are no age. Taken way too soon. Ive got to live with this grief fore...

Literally done nothing today except a load of washing. I'm so tired from yesterday's day trip. Can tell im getting old. Been watching a new series on Prime called Sight Unseen. Its good. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow with the kids at Forest Park. We can have a walk around the lake, the kids can play on the park and we'll get ice creams. It'll be a few hours out of the house so that's good. I dont feel too bad today. Mentally, im doing ok. Thought about my dad and son, but that's nothing new. Still gutted they aren't here anymore, but what can I do about it? Nothing. Just got to try and live a life without them. Its hard work, but im doing bits to keep me going. The strength I get from my boys is immense, I live because of them. My faith plays a big part in my existence too. I pray alot. Anyway, if you're looking for something to watch give this ago im watching. 

Not long got home from Drayton Manor, I've definitely got my steps in today. Wow do my feet hurt! But what a brilliant day. Took me ages fall asleep last night because all I could think was what if the rides break whilst we're on it. Kept going round and round in my head. I drive myself mad some times, honestly. Anyway, I clearly didn't die on the rides, but I can say this, I dont like roller coasters. Went on them and hated every second. Wasn't shy about telling the kids I hated them either. But did I still carry on going onto said roller coasters? Absolutely. Had to do it for the boys. We've had the best day together. Was so lovely of Damian and Louise to invite me. We're the definition of a blended family and it fills my heart. We should all sleep well tonight. Jensen was at work so he couldn't come which was a shame. He travels to Colombia again soon to see his girlfriend. Now that's a long distance relationship. Anyway, we're getting burgers for...

Didn't go church this morning but that's ok, i went last week. I should really go every week but some days im just too tired to get up. Jesse and I got dressed today, we took puggy for a walk, then we went to get Jesse a hair cut ready for his day trip tomorrow. Got be up at half 7 in the morning, its going kill me haha. Not been getting up till 11am through these holidays. Jesse let's me sleep in. Ive just had a shower and got into new pjs. How am I feeling today? I feel ok. I have to be ok, i dont have a choice. We never do when we have kids to look after. I dont really cry anymore, im sort of numb. If that makes sense. Ive been through traumatic events and now im just numb. To be honest, I can't wait for them to lower the Olanzopine because I feel like I just drift through each day. The medication is just numbing the pain im feeling. Can't really explain it because im numb, but extremely sad at the same time. Tears dont fall from my eyes anymore. There's noth...

Jesse and I have just got dressed to take puggy for a walk. It'll looks dull out but its bloody warm. Did us both good to get some fresh air. I had to get out of the house to clear my mind. I'm so confused about life, I dont know where I fit in anymore. I dont see the point in me. I'm only here for the kids and that makes me sad. Ive got no aspirations, no desire to live if im honest. Just a pointless existence. The boys would be lost without me and they're the only reason I push through each day. Without them, I am nothing. I miss my son and dad every single day. Not a day goes by where my heart doesnt break for them. When will grieving get easier? It's nearly 5 years for my dad and I still struggle everyday with his death, so how am I meant to deal with losing a child? My whole life is a mess. I look a mess, I feel a mess and im just fed up of existing. Oh how I wish it was all a bad dream. I long to see my dad and son. How do you carry on living after losing peop...

Ive been out all morning mowing my grass in the back garden. It was like a jungle. It was that overgrown I couldn't peg my washing out. Looks so much better now and I've done a wash and got it pegged out. Damian messaged me to see if I want to go Drayton Manor on Monday with him, Louise and all the kids. I love how we've got a blended family. Its given out lovely weather for Monday so it'll be a good day. Ive never been Drayton Manor so im looking forward to it. Anxiety is telling me not to go, but im going.  I feel a bit lost today. Had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning and she asked me how much weight I've gained since being on Olanzopine. I told her I've gained 4 stone. Anyway, she plans on reducing the Olanzopine to see if that'll help. I take 375mg of Venlafexine a day too. Hate the fact that I have to rely on medication to get through each day. One day I hope to be off it all. So anyway, yeh, I feel a bit lost in the world. Trying to fig...

My back is killing me, did I mention I pulled it a few weeks ago? I can't remember, but anyway, it keeps flaring up. The same place is hurting again. Ive not long got back from taking my dog for a walk to try and ease it off but it hasn't worked. The minute we walked through the door, the heavens opened up. Talk about lucky. The pain in my back is knocking me sick, im going have to take some pain killers. Jasper's coming soon so when he gets here im going see my friends for a few hours. I need him here to look after Jesse for me. I was sat looking at Jay-Dees canvas on my wall and my heart sank. Still doesn't seem real that I've lost my son. It breaks my heart everyday. 3 weeks left of the school holidays. Ive been sleeping in till 11am, its going kill me getting back up at 7am. I feel dead deflated today, well I have done the past week really. Think its because im not in a routine or leaving the house much, one of the reasons I've just taken my dog for a walk. ...

So the girl i was talking to, I've blocked. She was sending me voice notes and she sounded slow. She also wanted to come and meet me after speaking a few times. Anyway, she wasn't for me and if im honest, I can't be bothered to meet anyone. I'm happy just me and my boys. Can't be bothered with the small talk. She was asking me what my favourite colour was.. fuck off. No thank you. Can not be bothered at all. My heads not mentally ready to be chatting to someone. I told her I go church, the next breathe she was saying she'll come with me.  Nope, she was too forward for my liking. So yeh I blocked her.  Ive had a pj day today. Nothing planned and nowhere to go, so I've stayed in my pjs. I'm just watching a drama in itvx and that's it. It was raining this morning but now the sun is out, so I've pegged some washing out and hope it dries. Jasper's not long gone home, he slept last night. Ive got my 18th driving lesson in the morning so Jesse and I...

I forgot to blog yesterday, anyway, i pulled the right side of my back a few weeks ago just by bending over doing the washing and its hurting again. The exact same place I pulled so dont know what i can do about it. I'm not one to take pain killers because my dad always said, your body will get use to them and when you really need them, they won't work. So I rarely take them, but I've had to buy some ibuprofen to take that's how much my back is hurting. Yesterday my friend Rach came for about 3 hours, we had such a laugh, it did me the world of good, then after I went shopping with my Jensen. It was a better day. Ive just got home from church. Feel so up lifted when ive been to church its an amazing feeling. I'm going see a couple of my friends soon for a few hours whilst Jesse is with Damian. Hes been to a play barn with Mabel and Max whilst I went to Church and now Jesse's gone back Damians for a few hours. The break does me the world of good. Jesse is with me...

Ive got my brother here, and Jasper and Jesse, all sat in the living room and yet I feel so alone. Grief has been heavy this past week. Being alive is hard work. When my brother and Jasper go i plan on finishing painting Jesse's bedroom, well its just the cutting in that needs doing so going get it done. Jesse and I slept in till 11am today. Its going kill me when the schools back open and I've got to get up at 7am. I'm enjoying the sleep whilst I can. I feel tired today but im going push myself to do some painting. It'll do me good. Need to get some wall art for Jesse's room to make it his own. It will always be Jay-Dees room to me, which is a shame for Jesse. I'm sure as time goes on it'll be more Jesse's room. Its painful decorating it because I feel like im losing Jay-Dee all over again. Does that make sense? Jasper's going home now and then Ashley is going after he's finished his drink. Then im going to paint. That's it for today.