August 24th Sunday.

Went out for food last night, I had a sizzler mixed grill. Oh god it was bloody lovely. Had nachos for a starter and ice cream for desert but couldn't eat that. Was so nice to get out with the girls for a few hours. Did me good. Ive spent the day alone today, in my pjs watching The Resident on Netflix. My mind goes on overdrive when im sat on my own. Ive been thinking of how Cancer stole my dad from me, literally starved him to death over a period of 19 months. Watching a 15 stone man turn into a skeleton. I was thinking about my son taking the recreational drugs and killing himself. I'm over thinking everything today. How do you live a life when you're filled with grief? How do I live with grief? I'm trying to live, I really am. Every single day I think about my father and son, and every day its hits me hard that they're gone forever..

I'll feel better tomorrow when ive been and had my hair done. Can't wait show you a before and after of my roots. They're massive, I've let myself go and now im on a journey of self discovery. I need to find me again. Death has destroyed me as a person. I dont recognise myself when i look in the mirror. Ive gained so much weight with the medication and the Menopause, but im trying my best to lose some weight. Jabbed with Mounjaro last night so im hoping im not ill tonight like I was last weekend. I hope getting my hair done lifts my mood, if that's at all possible. Jasper's on his way now,  he's coming to spend the night, love it when he comes and sleeps over. Love having my boys around me. My reasons to live. One more week of lie ins left until its back to doing the school run. Back to a routine, im kind of looking forward to being back in a routine if im honest. Jesse goes into year 5 this time, in the blink of an eye he'll be in high school. The years are just passing me by and im just drifting along. Never sure of how I've gotten through the day, just thankful I have kind of thing. How do I accept my father and sons death? How? I know ill heal once I do, i just dont know how. Their deaths have literally destroyed me as a person. I'm a shell. I'm dead behind the eyes, but I wear a smile. Anyway, today's been a shit day. Let's hope tomorrow is better.