August 13th Wednesday.

Been to Forest Park today and met my sister for an hour. Jensen came and did 3 laps around the lake in this heat. Crazy. Jesse took his scooter so he could go on the ramps area. Got him off his ps5 for a couple of hours so that's good. We went Asda and brought everything to make tacos for tea, which I've just made. 1kg of mince meat I've had to fry, a bloody kg. That's alot of meat to fit in 1 frying pan, but we did it. Doesn't matter what I do or where I go, my dad and son constantly cross my mind. Thinking about Jay-Dees t shirt tan he use to have working in this heat. I remember giving him sun cream for his neck because he use to burn. God I miss my son so much. My heart aches everyday. I miss my dad taking me out on rides out to country pubs when the weather was hot like this. I just miss them both more than anything. I'm so thankful for the time I had with them both, but dying at 55 and 21 are no age. Taken way too soon. Ive got to live with this grief forever and its absolute torture. Anyway, let's change the subject. How can I change the subject when the only thing that is on my mind is my father and son. Fuck this life!! I'm tired of being alive. I just want to see them both again. I know i can't, my kids need me. On the plus side, everyone likes tacos. I did a wash before we went the park and pegged it out so that should be dry now. Only 2 and a half weeks left of the holidays and I can't wait, just want to get back in a routine. I'm sleeping in till half 10, 11 most days. Honestly if I didn't have Jesse to tend to, I wouldn't get out of bed. I hate being alive. I hate telling people "im ok" when they ask me how I am, when im literally dead inside, but saying im ok is easier than explaining why im not. I get it all off my chest on here. Apparently blogging is good for the mental health, but I've been blogging for over 4 years and im still a mess haha. Honestly, if I dont laugh I'll cry. Anyway, enjoy your evening.