August 9th Saturday.

Jesse and I have just got dressed to take puggy for a walk. It'll looks dull out but its bloody warm. Did us both good to get some fresh air. I had to get out of the house to clear my mind. I'm so confused about life, I dont know where I fit in anymore. I dont see the point in me. I'm only here for the kids and that makes me sad. Ive got no aspirations, no desire to live if im honest. Just a pointless existence. The boys would be lost without me and they're the only reason I push through each day. Without them, I am nothing. I miss my son and dad every single day. Not a day goes by where my heart doesnt break for them. When will grieving get easier? It's nearly 5 years for my dad and I still struggle everyday with his death, so how am I meant to deal with losing a child? My whole life is a mess. I look a mess, I feel a mess and im just fed up of existing. Oh how I wish it was all a bad dream. I long to see my dad and son. How do you carry on living after losing people you love? My friend invited me hers today but i just can't be bothered to do anything. Ive lost the will to live. I'm a shell of the person I use to be. Today is a shitty mental health day! Life is cruel taking my father and son away from me. Some times I question my faith, how could god let this happen, but then I remind myself of how far I've come because of my faith. I pray daily for strength and its working. I dunno, im just going through a difficult patch in my life. I'm just trying to work out who I am and why im here.