August 26th Tuesday.

I see glimpses of Jay-Dee in Jasper some times and it makes me smile that he's living on through his brothers. My heart feels heavy just now. Ive been to see a couple of my friends, which was nice. When we meet up it takes my mind of the sadness it carries with it daily. My mind is occupied, just for a couple of hours. I'm still the grieving mum and the grieving daughter, but I feel a bit more human when im with my friends. I'm blessed to have such a loving, supportive group of friends. I'll be honest, I'm not sure how or if im ever going to get better and that scares me. I'm frightened that im going to be lost forever, forced to live a life that I hate whilst feeling the way I do. Its cruel making me live this way. I'm having a bad day aren't I? Yep. Not really sure what else to say. All I ever want to talk about is my dad and my son,  but people dont want to hear that everyday. Jay-Dee and my dad were my whole world. My first born son. My loving father. I'm just lost for words. 55 and 21. They both had so much more to give in this life. Honestly im a broken woman. Thank the lord I have my boys to get me through these dark days.  THE only reason im still here is because of them. I know Jay-Dee and my dad are still with me, I hope they can here me when I talk to them. Losing my mind aren't I? It's what it feels like some times. I feel like im going insane some days. Talking to the dead in the hopes that they can hear me. . .