August 8th Friday.

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Ive been out all morning mowing my grass in the back garden. It was like a jungle. It was that overgrown I couldn't peg my washing out. Looks so much better now and I've done a wash and got it pegged out. Damian messaged me to see if I want to go Drayton Manor on Monday with him, Louise and all the kids. I love how we've got a blended family. Its given out lovely weather for Monday so it'll be a good day. Ive never been Drayton Manor so im looking forward to it. Anxiety is telling me not to go, but im going. 
I feel a bit lost today. Had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning and she asked me how much weight I've gained since being on Olanzopine. I told her I've gained 4 stone. Anyway, she plans on reducing the Olanzopine to see if that'll help. I take 375mg of Venlafexine a day too. Hate the fact that I have to rely on medication to get through each day. One day I hope to be off it all. So anyway, yeh, I feel a bit lost in the world. Trying to figure out where I fit in. I'm a mum, but what else am I?  Going there Monday has given me something to look forward to. The past few days my heads been a mess because I feel like i like men and women. I thought i was completely gay, but I've been questioning it. I dunno, my heads a mess. Like i say, im trying to figure out who I am..
Ive just ordered this metal thing off Amazon to replace my vape. Its just something that you inhale fresh air if you know what I mean. I really want to quit my vape so today is the last day. I'm determined to quit. Ive got Jasper here with me because he slept last night. I love having my kids around me. Makes me sad that Jay-Dee is no longer here. I ask him everyday, why did he do it, in the hopes of a reply. Yesterday I asked my dad and son to send me a sign, and then as I opened my bedroom curtains yesterday there was a feather sat in the bush for me to see and then I went on tiktok and I came across a song that reminds me of my dad. Probably just coincidentally but im taking them as a sign. It gave me some comfort.

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