August 30th Saturday. Jensen is 22 today.

Happy birthday to my Jensen. Hes the most thoughtful, kind and caring person. Hes currently on holiday, living his best life. I'm so proud of him. I love my boys so much. Him and Jay-Dee are both 22 now until Jay-Dee turns 23 on the 30th of September. Both born on the 30th. My Irish twins.

Ive prayed this morning for strength, I need strength to keep going. I prayed that my dad and son are both ok. I prayed that ill get better mentally. 

I'm not sure how ive made it this far in life. Prayer helps. I was thinking earlier about how its been over a year since I lost my child, and its hard to believe. I ask myself how im making it through each day and i honestly dont know. Where is my strength coming from? I thought about waiting until my boys are a bit older, then ill kill myself. I can't keep living the way I am. Somethings got to give. I dont want to live to an old age feeling the way I feel. How on earth do you carry on living after the loss of a child? It's torture. In November it will be 5 years since the death of my father, my best friend. I dont know how ive made it this far in life. I'm fed up of feeling sad. Its Jensens birthday and i feel depressed. I'm glad he's on holiday enjoying his birthday and he's not here seeing me depressed. 

On a lighter note, im 8lb down on the Mounjaro so that's good. Ive been watching what I eat, calorie counting and its somehow working. Ive got alot of weight to shift but if I keep at it, ill be slimmer by Christmas. I think its cold today so ive got my fire on. Think summer is over now. 2 more days to go and Jesse goes back school. We're both ready for him to go back now. The 6 week holidays have flown by. Thank god my friends have gotten me through the past 6 weeks. Before we know it, it'll be Christmas. Not got a clue what to buy Jesse for Christmas as Damian has just brought him a new bike and I got him a PS5 Christmas just gone so god knows what im going to get him. I dont even want to put Christmas decorations up this year, I didn't last year either but I did put some up. My hearts not in anything anymore. I'm consumed by grief. I get no enjoyment out of life. Nothing makes me happy anymore. My dad and sons death has ruined my life. My mental health has ruined my life. I try my best everyday to wear a smile, you wouldnt know I was dead inside looking at me, but I am. I died the day my father took his last breath, then my son dying, well, I can't even put into words how that made me feel. I wish it was me that died. I wish I could of saved my dad and son. I watched cancer starve my dad to death for 19 months, I was prepared for his departure and it still killed me inside. My sons death was tragic and I never got to say goodbye and that kills me inside every single day. I personally dont know how im still alive, I dont know how you carry on living, but I am. I dont want to live but I have no choice.