August 27th Wednesday.

Just got home from spending a few hours at Rachaels house. We chat like we've not had our hearts broken. We laugh and have good conversations. Does me the world of good seeing my friend's. Before I went Rachaels, I was sat looking at a tiktok i made of Jay-Dee, it was a photo of him with the music Forever Young playing in the background. My heart was heavy and I had to stop myself from crying. Then i went to see Rach and it all went away, if only for the few hours I was with her, I felt some what normal. So blessed to have the friends I have. I only have a handful of good friends and im grateful. How am I feeling now im back home? Sad again. Sat on my own filled with grief. My sons ashes are on my fire for me to see everyday, and my dad's ashes are in my bedroom, which i see every night. Ever likely im mentally unwell. And no, im not scattering their ashes. I couldn't, I wouldn't. I'll have them with me until I die. I'm hoping as the years go on, their deaths will become easier to manage, because at the moment, im not managing them too well. Told my psychiatrist that Olanzopine saved my life, that little anti psychotic I take every night is a lifesaver. That and my boys. I was worried before the 6 week holidays of how I would make it through them, and here I am now days away from September and Jesse going back to school and ive made it through the holidays, and I have my friends to thank for that. Without them I dont think I'd of made it through. Ive tried my best to do stuff with Jesse and now we're nearly at the end of the 6 week holidays. Not looking forward to getting up early, but I also need the routine. I miss nipping the cafe seeing my friend's. Can't believe my last born son will be going into year 5. In the blink of the eye he'll be going high school. Jesse had to be my last baby, cancer made sure of that. God I could scream, I just want scream out loud! I HATE MY LIFE. I'm trying to live a life I hate. Something good has surely got to be on its way. There's no way God delt me this life of sadness and sorrow? Ive got to be due some happiness right?