August 29th Friday.

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Didn't do anything at all yesterday. It was a shitty day. Mental health was shit, I didn't even blog. Just spent the day on my own trapped in my own head. I keep waiting for something good to happen, but it never does. Jesse goes back to school Tuesday and I can honestly say, I can not wait. Back to a routine. Thank God.
Jensen is 22 years old tomorrow, he'd usually be the same age as Jay-Dee for all of September with them being born in the same year. Jay-Dee will be 23 the end of September, but forever 21. Just typing that, my heart sank. Feels like a heavy weight inside of me. Grief is heavy. 
Had my brother here all day today so its not been too bad. He went about an hour ago and now im sat on my own over thinking. Why my dad and son? Life is so unfair. Can't put into words how much i miss them both, but you could probably imagine. I'd give anything to see them both again. It hurts even more knowing ill never see them again. Why did God choose me to fight so many battles? I'm tired, im mentally tired. I'm going church Sunday, i need to be in church. Does me the world of good going and seeing my church family.
I can't wait go bed, sleeping is my escape from the world. My friend Rachael is coming church with me this week so that'll be nice. She's a Christian but she's not been to church in forever, so it'll be nice to show her how lovely St Johns church is. 
You know what? I'm sad all the time, even when i smile, I feel sad. Will life be like this forever? I feel empty inside if that makes sense? Empty with a heavy heart. All I do is blog about how depressed I am and im sick of it. I want to write a happier blog.
One day i will, one day ill be strong enough to tell people how depressed ive been and im still here, alive. Ive been writing this blog since I had cancer, which was 21st April 2021. Looking back i can see how far ive come, I know its the medication keeping me alive, that and determination to not kill myself. The days are hard, but im still here fighting for my life. The boys need me, so for them I live.

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