August 20th Wednesday.

A day of doing nothing, its depressing. Ive showered and washed my hair because im going to college tomorrow with Jasper for his enrolment. Can't remember the last time I washed my hair, some days im lucky I brush my teeth. Depression really got me looking homeless. Can't be bothered to get my hair done Friday, but I know it needs doing. You never know, it might increase my mood, because right now my mood is pretty low. I'm desperately trying to lose weight. I'm sick of feeling fat and ugly. Yes, I know beauty comes from within, but I dont feel one bit beautiful. I hate what I see in the mirror. I'm so depressed. Just taken my meds and changed my HRT patch, saying to myself 'take the meds so I can get better'. But im not getting better, I feel like the medication just keeps my head above water. Do you know what i mean? I'm far from thriving shall we say that. I'm in survival mode. I have to get through each day whether I like it or not. The key factors to my existence, are my boys. I live for them and they haven't got a clue. They dont realise how much they save me everyday. If only they read my blogs would they then truly see how much im suffering in silence. The only people who know how bi polar my life is, is you reading this. You know, I have to force myself to see my friends. I never want to go, I force myself so my mental health doesnt get worse. Like it could get any worse haha. But seriously, I have to push myself to socialise because my heart isn't in anything that I do. I'd be happy if I just died. Sad isn't it? Can't wait for Jasper to come around to snap me out of this depressing mood im in. I hate it because some days i feel ok and then other days are like today. Living is depressing. Saying that, even on the better days, im still not 100% ok. Grief has taken over my life, and im unsure what to do about it. How do you recover from grief? How do I stop my heart from hurting the way it does? How do you recover from a blow to the stomach? Because that's what grief feels like. Someone has my heart crushed in their hands. I'm screaming inside and outside I wear a smile. Grief is horrible. Living with grief is torture. It'll be 5 years in November since my dad passed away and I've got no recollection of the last 5 years. I dont know how im still alive today if im honest. Its been 14 months since Jay-Dees death and ill say it again, how have I made it this far in life? It's a miracle. I'm praying I get better mentally because I can't live the rest of my life like this. Booked a holiday for next July and I already dont want to go. Why would I book it knowing how unwell I am? I booked it to set a goal for happiness. I want to be able go on holiday and not have anxiety about it. Ive got till July 2026 to get better so I can enjoy the holiday im paying for. Anyway, i know im having a bad day and tomorrow should be better. Fingers crossed.