August 17th Sunday.

I was thinking last night how im meant to come to terms with my father and sons death, and i honestly dont know what to do. How do you come to terms with death? How do i deal with what's happened? I have so many questions that go unanswered. Why on earth did my son kill himself? I'll never know why and it kills me inside. Why did cancer starve my dad to his death? It kills me inside. Why didn't I die of my cancer? Why did I have to live? It's like im being punished to live a life i hate. It should of been me. I'm the one who wants to die! I'm going out of my mind. I'm tired of fighting for a life i hate. Why can't I be happy? How could I be happy with what's happened? I dont think I'll ever be happy again after losing my dad and my child. Is this me forever now? Full of sadness and grief? I'm tired of doing the washing everyday, im tired of cooking meals for the kids, im tired of doing dishes. I'm just tired. I wish I could just lie in bed forever, but I can't. Its probably a blessing that I have Jesse to take care of or I wouldn't leave my bed. I need a break from life. Ive decided to stop having my driving lessons. They're so expensive and im paying a holiday off for next year so im going to take a break for a few months. Really wanted to drive, but if im honest, I was thinking of driving into oncoming traffic, so its best i dont drive at the moment. If I was driving I'd probably drive off a cliff. Just being honest. I'm fed up today. Fed up of my groundhog day life. Yesterday a couple of my friends came to visit me and I went shopping with Jensen. My mind was occupied. Then the evening comes and you're sat with your own thoughts. I feel sick today, i started Mounjaro last night in the hopes i lose some weight. This is my last resort. I'm not hungry so that's good. Roll on tomorrow when I get my hair done, might make me feel a bit better. Let's hope. God im so tired, mentally. Everyday is hard to get through. I keep going though. Only 2 more weeks of the holidays left thank god. Can't wait to get back into a routine. My last baby goes into year 5. In the blink of an eye he'll be starting high school. I feel so ugly, I look at myself in the mirror and hate what's looking back at me. I know its the depression but I can't change how I feel. I try to think positive, but I have nothing to be positive about. My kids are the only reason I've not killed myself already. Depression will kill me one day.