Cancer, Depression and Me.

I don't even know what to blog about, I'm so depressed. I'm sick of being depressed. I cry every single day. I have to try and keep busy to occupy my mind. I wrapped a few presents yesterday but my heart is not in Christmas at all. I've done some cleaning today, as soon as I sit with my thoughts, I'm sad. I'm so desperate to get better mentally.  It's December 1st tomorrow and I couldn't feel less chrismassy. I've put some Christmas lights around my sons urn, it literally breaks my heart that he's no longer here.  I pray that I get through these hard days. I pray for strength but there's only so strong one person can be. I wish I could just end my life and be done if I'm honest.

Im feeling really mentally drained. Jasper told me the other day that he wanted to kill himself, but he didnt want to leave me. Do you know how painful it is to hear your child tell you how depressed he is since his brother took his own life? Its been playing on my mind for days. Im sorting out counselling for him, im not about to lose another child. I cry everyday, not only for my son ive lost, but for my children that are here struggling too. Myself and Jensen cried the other day and hugged each other, that hug meant the world to me. Im struggling so much with my own mental health, it kills me knowing my kids are struggling too. I wasnt going to go choir practice yesterday because I was so tearful, but I went and im glad I did. Today ive been to the Sutherland Centre for an ecg, bloods, weight and height checks. I have to have this done every so often because of the medication im on. Im under the Sutherland Centre with my psychiatrist. I cant even put into words how low I feel. Chris...

Cut myself a fringe in today, I was bored, at least I didn't shave it all off which I've been tempted to do again. Yes again. I did a Britney a few days before my Dad passed away which is just over 4 years ago. My hair is down my back now, it's not been cut since I shaved it. I've washed, dried and straightened my hair today to see if it'll make me feel any better and it hasn't. Only now I'm sad but with nice hair. I could cry, my eyes keep filling with tears and I have to tell myself, not to cry. I cry alot. Understandable considering I've lost my father and my child. I'm determined to get better mentally! I just know it's going to take some time. Jensen came back from London with a big pile of washing for me so I've been doing that today, in-between cutting my hair. How am I still alive? I amaze myself at how strong I am because there's been so many times where I've wanted to end it all. Everyday is a fucking battle, but everyday I ...

I went to Church last night for the remembrance service. It was a beautiful service. They were reading names out of people we've all lost and when I heard 'Jay-Dee Colclough', I broke down crying.  Life shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't be remembering my child, he should still be here with me.  I lit a candle for my child. My heart breaks. I was going stay after the service for coffee and cake but I was too emotional so I just went home. I've been on my Christmas crafting course this morning, I've got another this afternoon but with Jesse. I always book on the craft courses to do with him, his face lights up when he sees me because I always surprise him. I just book on and I don't tell him. Jensen is currently on the train home from London. He's had an amazing time, he's even visited one of Gordan Ramseys restaurants. He's living his best life. Makes me sad because Jay-Dee was only 11 months older than Jensen, makes me sad thinking about how...

I'm going church at 4pm for a bereavement service for people that have recently lost a loved one, I want to go and remember my son and also my father. I'm currently drying my bedding that I've stripped and washed. I feel better today mentally speaking.  I'm not suicidal and I just hope going church doesn't put me on a downer. I feel full of cold today, keep sneezing it's driving me mad! I keep thinking how close it is to Christmas and I'm just not feeling it at all this year.  I wish I could feel happier.  Anyway, I'll let you know later how it goes at church. 

Was doing so well today, mentally speaking, and then Jesse went Mabels birthday party and then there was no one in the house. I went and got myself a bath and I lay there thinking, this is the perfect time to kill myself. I thought long and hard about killing myself and you know what? I couldn't bare the thought of Jasper and Jesse coming home and finding me dead. With tears in my eyes, I feel strength from within. I might not think I'm doing ok, but I got the strength from within me to stay alive for my children. Today I didn't die and I thank God for my strength. 

After my blog on Thursday, I ended up going out for tea with my son and his gf. She seems really nice and Jensen is smitten. He's got his interview this week for team leader over in Colombia 🇨🇴. If he gets the job he'll be gone before Christmas. As sad as I'll be without him here, I only want what is best for him. He's in London at the moment sight seeing, he's living his best life and I couldn't be prouder. My brother came again last night and I was able to smile and talk. The whole time I was sad inside but I held it together. It will be 25 weeks tomorrow since my son took his own life and I will forever ask 'why'? I tell myself it was the drugs he took at that rave, but I also sit thinking was he depressed and I didn't know. What kind of mother doesn't know her child is depressed? I've been battling with depression for years, did I miss the signs? I'll never know until I see my child again in heaven.  I want to see a medium, I want t...

It snowed again last night, I opened my curtains this morning and thought 'no', so I got back into bed and didn't take Jesse school. I've put mascara on today for the first time in years, because I'm going out for tea with Jensen and his gf. Forced myself to get dressed and make an effort. I'm still feeling pretty low, my eyes have filled with tears today a few times. I just cry randomly. I can't describe the pain I feel inside after losing one of my children. It's unbearable most days and even on the days that I smile, I'm still so sad inside. I won't lie, I wish I was dead. I don't know how much more of this life I can take. I'll go out for tea, I'll smile and make conversations but inside, I am dead. I didn't think life could possibly get any worse after losing my father at the young age of 55 but, it got worse. It got alot worse.  I keep asking myself, why did I survive my cancer just to be put through hell. Why take my child ...

I've felt no better today, the only difference is, I've fought back the tears. I went with Jasper today for his interview and he's got a follow up 2 hour interview with tests next Wednesday.  The reason I'm telling you this is because on our way to Newcastle College we have to drive past a multi story car park, and every time I have to go past this car park I could cry. Its about 8 stories high, in Hanley close to Tesco and anyway, as I was saying its only about 8 stories high and my son jumped from the 17th floor of a multi story car park. The emotions I go through when I see this car park kills me inside. Every time I have to fight back the tears. I envision my son falling to his death. It is absolute fucking torture.  I wish I knew what was going on in my sons head that morning he took his own life. I wish I could of saved him. I wish to see my son again. I sing in church on the 16th December with the choir and my anxiety about doing it is crippling me. Why am I suff...

Feeling very emotional today, I really miss my son and my dad. You know the feeling you get when you're about to cry? Well I've had that feeling all morning and then I've just broke down crying and now I can't stop crying. Not sure why I'm feeling so emotional, I guess it's just one of those bad days I have. I wish the world would just end. I welcome death. I'm tired of trying to be strong everyday. I went the cafe this morning to see my friends and I could feel myself needing to cry, it's a weird feeling. Been Asda to get stuff to make a Sunday dinner for tea, even though its only Tuesday. It snowed last night so it's freezing today but I've still taken my dog out for a walk. She kept jumping over little piles of snow, she's so cute. I've stood and peeled 2 bags of carrots and I'll cook them later along with everything else. I already can't wait for my tea. Anyway, I've had a cry so I'm hoping it's out of my system no...

I went on an adult Christmas craft course this morning. It's on for the next few weeks. A build up to Christmas. Anyway, we're making wreaths. It's a round metal thing that we have to attach baubles to. Anyway, it did me good to be out of the house. I am trying my best with life. I've not felt too bad today, I've thought about my son loads and I've felt waves of sadness but, I've been able to get through it. I shouldn't laugh but I saw something that said "If my mental health doesn't improve by Christmas, the mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling". I related so much but, found it so funny. If I don't laugh, I'll cry.

Jensens gf arrived Friday from Colombia and I met her yesterday. She seems like a nice girl and Jensen seems smitten. I'm happy for them both.  It's Sunday and it's been 6 months without my child. 6 months?? How has it gone that fast? Just felt myself welling up, I could cry writing this. My eyes have tears in them and I'm trying not to blink. I've just had a bath and washed my hair. I HATE my hair, I really hate it.  It came up on my memories the other day from 4 years ago when I shaved all my hair off. I could easily do it again, that's how shitty I feel.  I feel so fed up of trying to do life. I'm having a bad day aren't I? I need to remember the better days I have in order to get through the low days I have. You want me tell you why I despise my hair, not only does it fall out in clumps but, I have naturally curly hair and I fucking hate it.  It's a task washing it because then I have to apply my products I use, then blow dry it and then straight...

4 years today when the angels took my father away from me.  I remember everything like it was yesterday, I spent days and nights by my father's bedside in hospital.  I remember his breathing. His last few breaths was an inhale and slow exhale. I remember his final breath. He took his last inhale and the air slowly seeped out and he was gone. I miss my Dad so much its unreal. Still hard coming to terms with the fact that he's no longer here. I pray he has my son with him in heaven. I was thinking earlier that I psychically can't take anymore heartache. I don't think I'll get through another death. If I wasn't heavily medicated, I honestly don't think I'd be alive today. Olanzopine has saved my life, along with determination. I refuse to give up. My kids need me and that's the only reason I've not killed myself. When I've dropped Jesse off at school, I often think about stepping infront of a car on the main road. It would be so easy to just die...

Good morning. I can't quite believe it will be 4 years tomorrow since my dad passed away. I'm not sure how I've made it through the last 4 years.  It will be 6 months this Sunday since my son passed away. Not sure how I'm still alive if I'm honest. I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day, but I am and that's the main thing isn't it? I'm sad all the time, even when I smile, I'm sad. It's never going to change is it? For the rest of my life I'm going have to take things day by day.  Anyway, I've been Asda like I do most days and I've walked my dog. I'm cooking chilli for Jensens tea and myself and my youngest 2 boys are having an afternoon tea that's being delivered at 2pm. Rev Rob from the school came to me last week and gifted me a voucher for an afternoon tea for 2. He said he wanted to give it to someone that deserves it and they chose me. How lovely is that. The way Jesse's school have supported m...

Had a better day today, went the cafe this morning and saw my friends, walked my dog, like I do every day, then I had lunch with some people from Church and then sang in the choir. Jesses been on a school trip to Cadbury World today and hes had the best day. Overall, it been a better day. I did cry earlier, I was talking about Jay-Dee to my friend and my eyes filled up. I was telling her I think of him all through the day. She said it had been 8 years for her brother and it still feels raw. Ive got a long road ahead on my mental health journey, I know this, and I refuse to give up. Days like today give me hope for a future. Its a shame my better days dont last but, it gives me hope that ill get better. Thank God for a better day.

So I completed my bereavement course this morning. I've taken alot away from it, but it still won't bring my child back to me. I've been out with Jensen to get his hair cut, ready for when his gf arrives Friday. Been Asda to get stuff for tea, done a load of washing and now I'm sat here blogging. Oh and I've walked my dog. All of that before half 1 in the afternoon.  I can't even put into words how much I think of my son throughout the day. He is on my mind 24/7. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, I am constantly thinking of my deceased child. I still find it hard to believe that I'll never see my child again. It upsets me. I need something good to happen in my life, I'm desperate to feel happiness.  I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. My life is like a series of unfortunate events. I've got to be due some sort of happiness, right? Christmas is around the corner and I couldn't care less. Not looking forward to it one bit...

Another Sunday, they come around so fast. Another day closer to seeing my dad and son again. Some days it still doesnt seem real that my son is no longer here. I remember feeling like this for a long time after my dads death. I miss them both more than life itself. I feel so lonely. The weekends are so hard. Life was never meant to be this way. I shouldnt of lost my dad to cancer, my son shouldnt of killed himself. But its happened, and now I have to work out how to live again.. Im so lost in life. I do my final session of my bereavement course tomorrow, I feel like I may need more couselling at some point. I do take alot from my counselling, I know theres all different phases of grief and I can revisit anyone, at any time, over and over again. Its knowing that some days will be worse than other days and I have to remind myself of this, often. Life is so hard. I put a smile on my face when I see anyone outisde of the house, but when im home alone, im breaking inside. I find myself sitt...

Jesse's at Trentham Gardens with Damian and I'm sat looking at my sons urn. I need to get out of this house more. I've walked my dog, and done some washing and I can't wait go back to bed.  I struggle through the week, but the weekends are worse for me. My son left for a Rave in Liverpool on the Saturday and killed himself on a Sunday. I'm always going to struggle with weekends, I know. I'm still waiting for my son to visit me in my dreams, I long to see his face.  Losing my son has destroyed what little there was left of me.  I don't know how I'm ever going to get better. I'll be a grieving mother forever. My sons death has destroyed me.

I did nothing yesterday but survive. It wasn't worth blogging about because I did less than nothing. I'm emotionally exhausted. I've been a craft activity at the school today with Jesse. I always book onto craft things, I really enjoy seeing his face light up when he sees me, because I never tell him I'm booked on, I just turn up and it warms my heart seeing his smile when he spots me walking in. My brother is here now, he visits every Friday, he's really stepped up since Jay-Dees death. He knows I'm not coping, he rings everyday. If it wasn't for my brother and sister I'd be so lost. Family really is precious.  It's coming up to 23 weeks without my son. When am I going to stop counting the weeks, I'm just torturing myself. The days are getting no easier.  I know the size of my grief will never change and apparently I'll start to grow around it but, when? It took me 3 and a half years to start coming to terms with the death of my father, I...

I went the cafe this morning to see my friends and I just sat there with nothing to say. I had lunch today with my church family and yet again, I sat there with nothing to say but, I smiled when someone spoke to me. Then I went on week 6 of my bereavement course, where I could freely talk about my Dad and my son, this did me the world of good. I've spent the day being busy and I feel better for it. I've cooked tea for the kids, steak pie with mash, fresh carrots and gravy. I'm feeling ok  today, I got a bit tearful doing the bereavement course but that's understandable. It's still so early after my sons death. The Christmas community choir starts again next week which I'm part of, it will be my 3rd Christmas doing this with my church family. We do a concert at St Mary's church just before Christmas. I absolutely love being apart of the choir. I've always loved to sing. I won't lie though, the fear of god goes through me when I'm on that church st...

Another day of hanging on by a thread.  God today has been long. You know, I've got my kids all around me, as I sit here and type this blog, yet I feel so alone. I feel like it's just me against the world. Depression is killing me and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to feel better. The medication can only do so much, I know I need to do more but, how? I'm grieving, all I think about, all day long is my son and how I should of seen the signs. I beat myself up over 'what ifs', it's torture inside my head. I've lost my son and I couldn't even say goodbye. My heart has been shattered all over again. It turns out 'rock bottom' has a basement, and I currently reside in it. You know, I had a panic attack walking the school earlier to fetch Jesse, my back and chest went dead tight, I felt it all in my back, neck and shoulders. All you can do is just try and breathe through it. But a panic attack at that age of 40 is ridiculous!...

After I blogged yesterday, I spent the whole of the afternoon crying my eyes out. I made a tiktok about my son and it just set me off. Today has been better, not alot better but I've not cried. Back to the school run this morning, killed me getting up early again. I never usually go back bed through the day but, today I climbed back into bed fully dressed. I feel so drained all the time. Every day I wish the day away, I can't wait to fall asleep so I don't have to be alive. I'm wishing my days away, it's so sad.  What a sad human being I have become. I don't find any happiness from my days.  Don't get me wrong, my children fill me with happiness but other then them, nothing, I don't find any sort of happiness out of my days of being alive. How can I change this? I need to feel better mentally. I feel like I've got a long road ahead to getting better haven't I :(

We all know how much I hate Sundays but, im one day closer to seeing my son and my dad again. I was thinking to myself, if I died today, Jesse wouldnt remember me as he got older, would he? Hes only 8.. Another reason I cant end my own life, which is good. I couldnt bare it if Jesse had to grow up not remembering me, that breaks my heart to think about. Im not going anywhere, anyway. Got to keep fighting my demons! Back to the school run tomorrow. As much as I hate waking up, the routine does me the world of good. Ive taken my dog for her usual walk this morning, then I had a bath and tackled my hair. Ive said before how much I despise washing my hair, I hate how much hair I lose when I wash it. I know its because of the Menopause, ive been using rosemary oil, its meant to help with hair loss. Not sure its working but ill carry on. I often wonder if my weight gain is from the HRT im on? Ive been cutting out some of the rubbish I eat and im half a stone down in 2 weeks, better than noth...

22 weeks tomorrow without my first born son. 22 weeks of heartache and sorrow. Id love to blog about how happy I am but thats never going to happen is it? I do hope one day I can write a more happier blog. You know, its funny because writing this blog has saved my life on many occasions. When I write about how I feel it gets it out of my system. Came up on my memories on facebook the other day about the book I wrote and published myself, when I was in a real dark place. May as well promote it whilst im here.. If you type in Amazon, Eternity Drowning, my book will come up. It has a black cover. I cant read back what I wrote, im the same with this blog, I bet I repeat myself some times because I forget what ive written. When I woke up today, I got dressed straight away and walked my dog, then ive been sorting out clothes I dont wear anymore in my bedroom. Im already 4 bin bags deep and ive still got more to do. Who even owns this many clothes that I never wear! Anyway I think im going do...

I don't know who I am anymore. Death has changed everything. I lost myself after my Dad passed away, I've been struggling for nearly 4 years since my Dad's death. Then throw my own Cancer into the mix and now the death of my child, I don't think I'll ever find me again. I'm sad every single day. I don't know what I can do to find myself again. I'm nearly 3 years sober and all I can think about is drinking just lately. I know it will kill me if I drank, I know I wouldn't be able to control my intrusive thoughts, which is why I have to stay sober. It's stay sober or die, and as much as I'd love to die right now, I can't leave my children behind, so I have to stay sober. I feel like I've lost my mind, I feel like I've had some sort of break down over the past few years. I don't recognise me anymore. I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day. I'm literally living day by day. I'm going get back into the...