November 11th Monday.

So I completed my bereavement course this morning. I've taken alot away from it, but it still won't bring my child back to me.

I've been out with Jensen to get his hair cut, ready for when his gf arrives Friday.

Been Asda to get stuff for tea, done a load of washing and now I'm sat here blogging.

Oh and I've walked my dog.

All of that before half 1 in the afternoon. 

I can't even put into words how much I think of my son throughout the day. He is on my mind 24/7.

Doesn't matter what I'm doing, I am constantly thinking of my deceased child.

I still find it hard to believe that I'll never see my child again. It upsets me.

I need something good to happen in my life, I'm desperate to feel happiness. 

I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. My life is like a series of unfortunate events. I've got to be due some sort of happiness, right?

Christmas is around the corner and I couldn't care less. Not looking forward to it one bit. I've not brought a thing yet and I don't plan on. Well not yet anyway.

I don't want a Christmas with one of my children not here, I've got nothing to celebrate. How am I meant to be happy when I'm filled with sadness?

Brought myself a fake chicken breast for tea to have with some mash and gravy. I don't eat meat, I've been vegetarian for over 3 years now.

So not only do I not drink alcohol but, I also don't eat meat. My life is pointless. 

I'll be 3 years sober on January 1st. Nearly 3 years abstinent from alcohol. Yeh, I am proud of myself but I do miss drinking, I won't lie.

I miss my old life, the one with my dad and son in it. How I wish I could go back in time and hug them both so tight, I'd never let them go.

I'm on a lonely journey of self discovery.

You can't get any lower than I feel, so the only way is up!