November 21st Thursday.

It snowed again last night, I opened my curtains this morning and thought 'no', so I got back into bed and didn't take Jesse school.

I've put mascara on today for the first time in years, because I'm going out for tea with Jensen and his gf. Forced myself to get dressed and make an effort.

I'm still feeling pretty low, my eyes have filled with tears today a few times. I just cry randomly.

I can't describe the pain I feel inside after losing one of my children.

It's unbearable most days and even on the days that I smile, I'm still so sad inside.

I won't lie, I wish I was dead. I don't know how much more of this life I can take.

I'll go out for tea, I'll smile and make conversations but inside, I am dead.

I didn't think life could possibly get any worse after losing my father at the young age of 55 but, it got worse. It got alot worse. 

I keep asking myself, why did I survive my cancer just to be put through hell. Why take my child from me after everything I've been through. I ask myself 'why me?'.

How am I still alive? Honestly, I don't know how I've not killed myself already.

My boys are the only thing keeping me alive.

I can't keep living like this, I fantasise about hanging myself. My mind is a dark place to be. It's not easy being me.

I'm so mentally unwell. I don't know who I am anymore, I've lost my identity.

After I put mascara on do you know what I said to myself in the mirror? I called myself ugly. I hate myself.

I honestly wish I would just die in my sleep.

Please don't tell me to be grateful for the children I still have with me, because imagine one of yours dying..

I can't change the thoughts in my head.

My life is going to go one of two ways.

I will either kill myself, or I'll get better.

I don't want to kill myself, but, I also don't want to be alive anymore.

I'm having a bad day aren't I?

The bad days are outweighing the 'better days'.

I'm worn out emotionally,  ever likely I keep crying. I'm crying now.

I try to blog most days so you don't think I'm dead but, one day the blogs will stop and I will indeed be dead.

I can do this, I can get through this!

Please keep me in your prayers because I'm really struggling.