November 15th 4 years.

4 years today when the angels took my father away from me. 

I remember everything like it was yesterday, I spent days and nights by my father's bedside in hospital. 

I remember his breathing. His last few breaths was an inhale and slow exhale.

I remember his final breath. He took his last inhale and the air slowly seeped out and he was gone.

I miss my Dad so much its unreal. Still hard coming to terms with the fact that he's no longer here.

I pray he has my son with him in heaven.

I was thinking earlier that I psychically can't take anymore heartache. I don't think I'll get through another death.

If I wasn't heavily medicated, I honestly don't think I'd be alive today.

Olanzopine has saved my life, along with determination. I refuse to give up.

My kids need me and that's the only reason I've not killed myself.

When I've dropped Jesse off at school, I often think about stepping infront of a car on the main road. It would be so easy to just die but, I can't do it. I can't leave my children without a mother. Doesn't matter how low I feel, I just can't give up on life.