November 5th Tuesday.

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Another day of hanging on by a thread. 
God today has been long.
You know, I've got my kids all around me, as I sit here and type this blog, yet I feel so alone.
I feel like it's just me against the world.
Depression is killing me and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know how to feel better. The medication can only do so much, I know I need to do more but, how?
I'm grieving, all I think about, all day long is my son and how I should of seen the signs. I beat myself up over 'what ifs', it's torture inside my head.
I've lost my son and I couldn't even say goodbye. My heart has been shattered all over again.
It turns out 'rock bottom' has a basement, and I currently reside in it.
You know, I had a panic attack walking the school earlier to fetch Jesse, my back and chest went dead tight, I felt it all in my back, neck and shoulders. All you can do is just try and breathe through it. But a panic attack at that age of 40 is ridiculous!
Why is this happening to me? 
Why am I panicking? I know there's nothing to panic about so why is it happening? 
I just wish life would get better.
I can't keep living like this.

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