November 20th Wednesday.

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I've felt no better today, the only difference is, I've fought back the tears.
I went with Jasper today for his interview and he's got a follow up 2 hour interview with tests next Wednesday. 
The reason I'm telling you this is because on our way to Newcastle College we have to drive past a multi story car park, and every time I have to go past this car park I could cry. Its about 8 stories high, in Hanley close to Tesco and anyway, as I was saying its only about 8 stories high and my son jumped from the 17th floor of a multi story car park. The emotions I go through when I see this car park kills me inside. Every time I have to fight back the tears. I envision my son falling to his death. It is absolute fucking torture. 
I wish I knew what was going on in my sons head that morning he took his own life. I wish I could of saved him. I wish to see my son again.
I sing in church on the 16th December with the choir and my anxiety about doing it is crippling me. Why am I suffering so much with anxiety? What is wrong with me!? It's my 3rd year with the choir so why do I have anxiety now?
I'm so unhappy being alive.
Today is another shitty mental health day. 
I'm so fucking fed up.

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