November 23rd Saturday.

After my blog on Thursday, I ended up going out for tea with my son and his gf. She seems really nice and Jensen is smitten. He's got his interview this week for team leader over in Colombia 🇨🇴. If he gets the job he'll be gone before Christmas. As sad as I'll be without him here, I only want what is best for him. He's in London at the moment sight seeing, he's living his best life and I couldn't be prouder.

My brother came again last night and I was able to smile and talk. The whole time I was sad inside but I held it together.

It will be 25 weeks tomorrow since my son took his own life and I will forever ask 'why'? I tell myself it was the drugs he took at that rave, but I also sit thinking was he depressed and I didn't know. What kind of mother doesn't know her child is depressed? I've been battling with depression for years, did I miss the signs?

I'll never know until I see my child again in heaven. 

I want to see a medium, I want to hear off my child and my father. I need to know they're ok. I'm going to have a look for one next week.

I put a few Christmas decorations up yesterday for Jesse. He asked me the night before if I would put some up. I'd previously said I wasn't this year, but how could I not with having an 8 year old.

I've only put a tree up and my boys Christmas stocking up along my fire. My heart isn't in it this year. I'll be glad when Christmas has gone if I'm honest.

I've brought a few bits for Christmas the past couple of days but I've got so much to get. My heart isn't even in it to Christmas shop.

There's nothing inside of me anymore.

I'm going church tomorrow evening for a remembrance service for those who we've lost, so I want to go and remember my son and my dad.

I've got no plans for today, I've found a series on Netflix I'm watching called Cold Call, I've just started episode 2 and it's good. I'm doing some washing but that's about it.

I'm not feeling suicidal today so that's a plus. I'm feeling ok today.