November 25th Monday.

I went to Church last night for the remembrance service. It was a beautiful service. They were reading names out of people we've all lost and when I heard 'Jay-Dee Colclough', I broke down crying. 

Life shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't be remembering my child, he should still be here with me. 

I lit a candle for my child. My heart breaks.

I was going stay after the service for coffee and cake but I was too emotional so I just went home.

I've been on my Christmas crafting course this morning, I've got another this afternoon but with Jesse.

I always book on the craft courses to do with him, his face lights up when he sees me because I always surprise him. I just book on and I don't tell him.

Jensen is currently on the train home from London. He's had an amazing time, he's even visited one of Gordan Ramseys restaurants. He's living his best life.

Makes me sad because Jay-Dee was only 11 months older than Jensen, makes me sad thinking about how much Jensen is doing and Jay-Dee should be here too living his best life.

Jay-Dee was a month away from completing his apprenticeship,  he should be here living his best life, but he's not, he's dead, and I need to learn how to live a life without my son.

Losing my child is hands down the worst thing that could of ever happened in my life. I will never get over the loss of my son.

He's on my mind all day long.

I cry everyday. 

I can't even put into words the pain I carry inside of me everyday.