November 1st 2024 Friday.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Death has changed everything.

I lost myself after my Dad passed away, I've been struggling for nearly 4 years since my Dad's death.

Then throw my own Cancer into the mix and now the death of my child, I don't think I'll ever find me again.

I'm sad every single day.

I don't know what I can do to find myself again.

I'm nearly 3 years sober and all I can think about is drinking just lately. I know it will kill me if I drank, I know I wouldn't be able to control my intrusive thoughts, which is why I have to stay sober.

It's stay sober or die, and as much as I'd love to die right now, I can't leave my children behind, so I have to stay sober.

I feel like I've lost my mind, I feel like I've had some sort of break down over the past few years. I don't recognise me anymore.

I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day.

I'm literally living day by day.

I'm going get back into the gym next week, when Jesse's back in school. It was doing me the world of good.

All I do everyday, is walk my dog and chores in the house.

I'm tired constantly, I am so tired of life.

I've been so suicidal this past week but, I've not given in to my intrusive thoughts. 

I'm stronger than I think because I don't know how I've not killed myself already.

It really is crazy how much strength you get from your children.

I said before, my children are the main factor of my existence. If I didn't have them, I'd be dead already.

I told my brother and sister this week about my suicidal thoughts, I needed to tell someone other than this blog. Some days I worry that I won't make it through the day.

Having depression and grief is killing me, slowly.

I'm no longer the person I was before all the trauma.