November 28th Thursday.

Im feeling really mentally drained. Jasper told me the other day that he wanted to kill himself, but he didnt want to leave me. Do you know how painful it is to hear your child tell you how depressed he is since his brother took his own life? Its been playing on my mind for days. Im sorting out counselling for him, im not about to lose another child. I cry everyday, not only for my son ive lost, but for my children that are here struggling too. Myself and Jensen cried the other day and hugged each other, that hug meant the world to me. Im struggling so much with my own mental health, it kills me knowing my kids are struggling too. I wasnt going to go choir practice yesterday because I was so tearful, but I went and im glad I did. Today ive been to the Sutherland Centre for an ecg, bloods, weight and height checks. I have to have this done every so often because of the medication im on. Im under the Sutherland Centre with my psychiatrist. I cant even put into words how low I feel. Christmas is weeks away and ive brought one present, my heart is just not in it. Ill be glad when Christmas has come and gone. I was thinking how the only family I have that bother with me is my Sister and Brother. My Mum sends the odd text now and again asking how I am. How sad is that! Youd think shed step up after me losing my Dad and now my Son, but nope. I literally have this blog to talk to, oh and my psychiatrist. Literally fighting everyday to stay alive and my Mum doesnt have a clue, well she does, she just doesnt give a shit I guess. Fuck family!!! If my family cant step up with everything im going through then I dont need them at all. I tell you what else keeps me going everyday, prayer. I pray for strength everyday and im still here.. for now anyway.