Cancer, Depression and Me.

Would I be sober now if my dad was still alive? I doubt it, so what made me go sober.. I don't even know. January 1st 2022 I decided to do dry January and raise money for CRUK (cancer research uk) after completing my 31 days abstinent from alcohol I decided to stay sober. I'm over 19 months sober now, it will be 2 years January 1st 2024. On my dads death certificate, under Esophageal cancer, it said Cirrhosis of the liver... I cant help but think, if my dad never had esophageal cancer was he going to die early anyway due to alcohol and that plays on my mind. I think something clicked inside me that if I didnt stop drinking my children would end up burying me at a young age, and as much as I want to die most days, I dont want to die, does that make sense? Its intrusive thoughts that I battle with daily. I guess me going sober was a positive that came out of my fathers death. My dad was my drinking partner and ive said before how I hit the bottle hard after he died. So what made ...

Been the hospital today to check if my cancer is back and thank god its not! I was so nervous but im glad I went and its all good news. Its also my 2nd born sons 20th birthday today, I remember last year on his birthday, I was in a real bad way mentally, I was on suicide watch thats how bad it was. My son didnt leave my side I was that depressed. Thats how I know im getting better because today I dont want to kill myself, you know what, im doing ok. I just have to take things day by day, step by step. Im getting there. I honestly think Olazopine and the fight I have inside me to stay alive has saved me from suicide. Today is a good day.

Just been looking through photos of my dad and it makes me so sad hes not here anymore. He was 55 years old and im angry that he was taken away from me. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!! I fucking hate the fact he could of had so many more years with me but his life was cruely cut short!! I remember my counsellor from Dove bereavement saying there are many stages of grief and you can revisit them at any time, well today im angry that my dad died. Im angry and sad. Im sad that my kids wont ever see their grandad and that my youngest was only 4 years old when he passed away. Im sad that I lost my bestfriend. Im angry that cancer took my dad from me. I dont think ill ever come to terms with the death of my father..

Since my dad passed away, I only really have my sister. I speak to her most days but only see her maybe once a month. She has her own life to live, I know that.. My family don't bother with me, I only have my 4 children. I don't think they really know the extent of my depression. I think its because I hide it well until I blog about it. This blog is the only thing I have to vent too, how sad is that. My brother stopped speaking to myself and my sister over a year ago because he got back with his ex wife and its a shame because we use to be so close. My mum only talks about herself, theres no empathy from her. I dont see my mum much anymore and once again, we use to be close. Since my dad died my family fell apart. My whole life fell apart. Im empty inside. Id go as far to say, im dead inside... On the upside, I was 600 days sober yesterday. After my dad died I hit the bottle hard, then I had cancer and well, I was drinking a bottle of whisky a night. Now im over 19 months sober...

Another day trapped in my own mind stuck in my house. When the kids go back school, ill still be trapped in my own mind inbetween doing the school run. I want to be working but I know im not well enough mentally. When will life get easier? I really want to come off my medication but what if the tablets are the only thing keeping me alive? How sad is it that I have to be so medicated just to get through the days...

Stepped on a plug this morning, didn't really hurt, then I noticed it had taken a chunk out of one of my toes and was bleeding. Long story short, how did I barely feel a thing?? My medication has completely numbed me, I barely cry and im hurting inside so much but don't really show any emotion. I feel numb to life, I have no interest in anything. Couldn't even be bothered to write this blog but its the only thing I have to talk to.. How sad is that! I've been thinking of weening myself off my medication, I just don't feel anything anymore and I know its because of the meds. I want to die but I don't want to leave my children, do you know how hard I fight everyday to stay alive for them?.. I'd love for my kids to know how sad I am inside, id love for someone to read my blogs and know im miserable being alive. Id love for someone to say its ok to die now, your kids will be fine. I know thats never going to happen, so im stuck living a life I hate.

I've come to realise I probably have like 2 days a week where i'm ok, which is more than I was getting last year, so 2 days is better than none I guess. What a life ay?! I've had a better day, i've been out with my sister and the kids, the weather is beautiful, which always makes things better don't you agree? I was thinking about what i'm going get my boys for christmas, its the first time i've thought about christmas and realised i'm getting better because i'm thinking that I will be alive for christmas, whereas before I didn't even think i'd be here. I say all this now and probably be suicidal again tomorrow, who knows.. But anyway, today is a better day xoxo

I was talking to my dad today in the hopes he can hear me. I told him how I'm not living, 2 and half years after his death. How I'm only surviving purely for my children and how I want to die.. I then went into the bathroom to run myself a bath,  and right there in the bath tub was a white feather just sat there. I know that was my father telling me he heard my voice and he's with me. (When you find a white feather on the ground with no explanation, this is one of the many  symbols of mourning ).  Seeing that white feather somehow made me tearful but also made me smile, it gave me hope that my Dad heard my silent tears and the words I was saying to him. It gave me hope that he hears me and now I feel comfort.

Last night my youngest son (aged 7) cried before he went asleep. He said 'when you're a grandma mummy you will die and I will be sad'. I reassured him that I wasn't going to die just yet and then he procceeded to say 'but grandad died early' Hearing his crying little voice saying 'he will miss me so much' made me think alot. It made me realise why I need to fight my intrusive thoughts, as much as I want to die, I can't leave my children behind. I have an appointment on the 30th August to see if my cancer has returned.. I feel a bit numb about it. I just want a normal life, am I asking for too much. I just want to feel normal for once and not have to worry about whether I have cancer again. I hate it! I fucking hate my life. I make out to people that i'm getting better, but, i'm not am I? I'm mentally unwell and I hide it with a fake smile and by telling people i'm ok. I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this........

I can feel myself slipping back into a dark hole and I don't know how to get out of it... I keep telling myself over and over that I'm going to be ok but deep down inside I know I'll never be ok. When will I discover who I'm meant to be? What if I don't make it, what if I die young? I'm scared that one day I won't be here because the depression will have won.

I wake up and I wait all day to go back to bed, I have vivid dreams that seem so real. I have zero energy, it's a task to want bath and wash my hair. I don't know who I am or what I want to do in life. This is EUPD and I fucking hate it!! I just want to feel like I belong. I don't know how I fit in with life, I don't think I've ever fitted in come to think of it. I want to feel loved, the only time I ever felt true love was from my father, that man loved me so much and I did him. When you lose someone you love, you lose yourself, well I did anyway. I'm so lost in life and I don't know how to find myself.

Started to ask myself why do I even bother writing this bog?... I guess since my dad passed away, I have no one to talk to except write my feelings down on here. Another lonely day trapped in my own thoughts. I use to write in a journal but I dont even do that much anymore. I'll sort of be glad when the schools are back open, I have friends that I see when I do the school run. Through the holidays ive isolated myself. Its a lonely world when you carry all this grief around daily, its draining.

Another day stuck in the house but at least my mental health is better. You know what, id love to feel normal, what ever normal is. Id love to not be mentally unwell. Id love to just feel happiness, instead im riddled with guilt over my dads death.. Could I of done more to save him? Why take my dad so young from me? He was only 55 years old. The guilt I feel on a daily basis, along with the saddness of him not being here anymore, the longing to see him. It kills me inside. Honestly, the day my dad died, I died inside too. Doesnt matter how much I wear my fake ass smile, I am plagued with horrendous grief that will never leave me. When people ask how I am, I say every single time, im ok.. When in actually fact im dead inside. 15/11/2020 the day i died inside rip to the old Ann-louise, im now on a lonely journey of finding a different me. A life without my father.. What a lonely place to be.

Wow, yesterday was a bad day, I think the dream about my dad dying triggered me. I just kept crying last night and today I feel totally fine. Welcome to Ann-louise's wonderful world of EUPD!! Its exhausting, it really is horrible. The slightest thing can trigger my mental health. How long can I keep living like this? Its draining, one day i'm doing better, the next day i'm falling apart but one things for sure, I never give up.. But, what if one day I do and I was just having a bad day, what if one day the bad day gets too much?? What if? As long as my children know I fought so hard to stay alive and my only purpose is to stay alive for them. Id love it if I could just die and they'd be ok after my death, but they won't be will they? Honestly the thought of my kids ever feeling the way I do is what keeps me going. I wouldnt with Pathological Grief on my worst enemy. I already know one day I won't be here and the depression will have won. I'm not scared of dy...

I am so messed up in the head since my dad died, I can't get over his death as much as I try. I'm plagued with grief. I've just been sat looking at photos of dad, some he was so happy and healthy and others of when he was dying and I even have a photo of him in his coffin. He'd go mad at me for having that photo, I can hear him now calling me a dumb bitch. He would hate it but its all I have left of him. My heart is broken into a million pieces and I will never be happy no matter how hard I try. Hearing my children say 'mum' is the only reason i'm alive. I'm so lost without my father. He did everything and more for me and the boys but he never taught me how to live without him.. How do you live a life to the fullest but you are empty inside. I keep saying it but I am only alive today because I couldnt bare the thought of my kids feeling like I do. Im sat crying writing this blog, I cant describe how unhappy I am inside without him. He really has left a ...

I had the worst dream last night. I dreamt my dad was poorly all over again and then he died. Its played on my mind all day. I'm having a shit day, I fucking knew the good days wouldnt last!! Fucking sick of it. I hate being mentally unwell, its torture! The house is getting me down, I feel like its only me keeping the house running, everything falls on me.. The washing, the dishes, the hoovering, cleaning the toilets!! Everything I do alone, i've got no fucking life and I am beyond sick of it. I fucking hate being so mentally unwell, i'm sick to death of it. Am I ever going to be happy??? I knew this day would come after having nearly a week of being happy! I know tomorrow might be better again and thats what I have to keep thinking. I need a job, I need a god damn life! This sobriety is fucking shit, I wish I never went sober, I need a drink. I've started smoking too. I wont drink, I wont ruin my hard work but by god some days are so fucking hard!!! I cant wait go sle...

Another good mental health day i'm happy to say. Feels so good to feel better mentally, who knows it might actually last longer than a week.. I still miss my dad every single second of the day, i'm just learning to deal with my emotions better. I say this but I sit writing this blog knowing in a few days I could be feeling suicidal, it really is shit having EUPD on top of my chronic depression and pathalogical grief. It's been 2 and half years since I lost my best friend, my father and it hurts just as much as it did the day he went away. I guess i'm just getting better at hiding it. I'd give anything in the world to have my dad back. I've realised how short life can be, even more so since I had cancer too. I sit and think, if I hadn't of gone for my cervical screening I might not of been here today. When I remind myself of these things it makes me realise how lucky and blessed I really am to be alive. I never thought i'd see the day where I was happy to...

Just been the gym for the 2nd time, started doing weights, I really want to tone up and lose weight! I'm so unfit its unreal. My gaol is to become a healthier happier version of me. They say healthy body and healthy mind so we'll see. I think i've been eating my feelings to be honest because last year I lost 4 stone and i've gained every single pound back. To be honest though last year I was that depressed I wasn't eating, sleeping, anything.. that's how I know i'm getting better, my appetite came back this year. My psychiatrist mentioned weight gain with the Olanzapine but I didn't realsie just how fast i'd gain the weight so its time I nipped it in the bud. I won'y be going the gym tomorrow because my arms literally ache already and thats from only going twice, told you I was unfit. Anyway, heres to a happier healthy new me.

I do hope this happier mood lasts. I know it probably won't so I'll enjoy it whilst I can. I went the gym yesterday with my son Jasper, he showed me how everything works and helped me do some weights.. I'm so unfit but I'm going keep going and try and be more healthy. I'll always be sad inside after losing my dad, but I'm learning to live with it. Some days I'm happy some days I'm sad.

I'm joining a gym today, I'm gaining weight that fast, I need to act fast before I end up obese.. I need to lose a few stone and tone up whilst I do it. I can do it, I've done it before I'll do it again. It's the sugary cravings I need to control so I'm also going to be fasting at least 20 hours a day. The next few days will be tough but I was raised a strong woman so I have very faith I can do it. Well, wish me luck. Let's start this new healthy journey.  Healthy mind and a healthy body is what I'm aiming for ✨️

Another positive day, feeling pretty good today. Not done anything or been anywhere but i'm feeling ok. I never suffer with spots but i've had a break out.. probably due to all the shit I keep eating! Swear its the Olanzopine!! I crave sugary treats all the time. Sunday tomorrow, I plan on going to church then in the afternoon i'm going to join the gym. My son Jasper is going with me for my first time because my anxiety about going alone will be through the roof, so once i've been once with him, i'm hoping after i'll be able go alone. I'm determined to get out of this house and get fit. I'm not that bothered about my weight gain, i'd just like to tone up and try and eat better. I actually like my weight gain strangly enough, I feel very womanly with all my curves and my bigger boobs are an added bonus. Anyway i'll keep you updated on how the gym goes. See you tomorrow xoxo

I feel so good today, finally I feel happiness. I wonder how long it will last. It's crazy that some days I want to die, they're finally getting less day by day. There was a point in my life that I had to fight every single day to stay alive, i've battled so hard with myself and finally it's only a few days a week I have to fight my intrusive thoughts. I have fought so hard to be able to blog and say i'm getting better! I'm not where I should be with regards to my happiness, but, by God I am nowhere near where I use to be. I'm getting better day by day and today is a good day.

A much better day today, even though I looked at myself and I can see i've piled the weight on, but, you know what, i'm passed caring. I'm having better days so it's worth the weight gain. I go Blackpool tomorrow with my sister, her kids and my youngest, i'm looking forward to getting out of Stoke for the day and making memories. With mental health as poor as mine, it's best to make memories because one day I could end up dead from feeling so low and memories are all that will be left. I try not be so morbid all the time but it's hard when you suffer like I do, anyway, today is a better day.. I'm confident tomorrow will be better too with getting out of the house for the duration. Who ever reads my blogs, I hope youre doing ok mentally xxx

2nd week into the 6 week holidays, I hate the holidays, I barely leave the house, saying that, myself, my sister and the kids all go Blackpool on a day trip on the 3rd. I'm looking forward to getting out the house for the day, even if it is only for the day. I've isolated myself that much i'm unsure how I get myself back into the world if that makes sense. I lost alot of friends since going sober, but, I have since met some sober friends. I don't miss my old lifestyle at all, I was a depressed drunk. I was an alcoholic, I drank every single day and now here I am smashing my sobriety! Super proud of myself. Every day is a silent battle with myself. I'd love be able have a drink and be happy but I know I wouldn't stop once I start. I have evolved massively, so even though I cry most days and i'm lonely, I can see how far i've come the past 2 and half years. The way I get through the days is to believe that my dad is guiding me from above.. "Death is n...