August 17th 2023

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Last night my youngest son (aged 7) cried before he went asleep. He said 'when you're a grandma mummy you will die and I will be sad'. I reassured him that I wasn't going to die just yet and then he procceeded to say 'but grandad died early' Hearing his crying little voice saying 'he will miss me so much' made me think alot. It made me realise why I need to fight my intrusive thoughts, as much as I want to die, I can't leave my children behind. I have an appointment on the 30th August to see if my cancer has returned.. I feel a bit numb about it. I just want a normal life, am I asking for too much. I just want to feel normal for once and not have to worry about whether I have cancer again. I hate it! I fucking hate my life. I make out to people that i'm getting better, but, i'm not am I? I'm mentally unwell and I hide it with a fake smile and by telling people i'm ok. I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this......

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