Cancer, Depression and Me.

Didn't go church today, my anxiety is playing up. All I do just lately is sit in my room watching movies and blog.. It's a big thing me being able to enjoy a movie because this time last year I never had the tv on, I literally spent 2022 locked in my room doing nothing but blogging about how depressed I am. I mean, i'm still depressed and blogging about it but I know i'm getting better. I'm so desperate to find my purpose in life. If my purpose in life was to just have children, then how do I make myself feel better. Maybe my medication needs increasing?.. I don't know. I don't know much anymore about anything. I feel trapped in my own mind and its killing me. I think after the 6 week holidays i'm going to rejoin the gym, I can't do it now because of childcare but theres no excuse when Jesse is back in school. That will give me something to focus on, so watch this space, lets see if I follow this through. I'd love to be working but I know deep do...

Trying to find the positives about being alive today. It always comes down to protecting my children from the grief it would cause if I passed away. The only problem is, I'm not living a life I enjoy, I'm purely surviving for them. It seems selfish to me that I have to stick around solely for them,  when I'm this unhappy inside. But, what can I do, I don't want to be here, but, I don't want my children to be left with no mother.. I guess it's going to be another day trapped in my own suicidal thoughts. 2 & half years it's been since my dad passed away, that's 2 & half years of fighting my intrusive thoughts.  2 and half years of living in darkness and loneliness. That's a long time to be living unhappy.  Something has got to change before I end up completely giving up because this is torture.

I just watched a video she posted about how she's just been surviving for the past 2 years, how her entire life has just revovled around not dying for the past 2 years. She said she's not staying alive for herself and if it was for her she'd be gone back to her mum. I have never related to a video so much in my entire life. I'm only alive for my children, not me.. if I could i'd be with my dad. The past 2 and half years since my father passed away I have purely been surviving for my children, not me, just my children. I feel so sad after watching Sineads video that she made hours before she passed away. I too feel lonely and isolated, I could easily and happily kill myself but I have my 4 chidren that i'd like to think need their mum around. I feel so sad inside after watching that video because I relate so much with everything she said. What a sad cruel world we live in. Sinead mentioned about having no family, I too have no family that care. The only time they...

I'm happy again today, I've been out with my sister and the children, they've all had fun at the park. I love when I can blog about being happy instead of my usual sad blogs. The weather was lovely, the sun was shining and I felt happiness. The weather has gone miserable and wet now but I won't let that dampen my good mood :) I'm so happy that I feel happy. Let's hope it lasts 💕

I may spend alot of time in my room, but you know what, since going sober a year and half ago, all my childen will come in and we all chat and relax on my bed. I've said it before but i'll say it again (because i'm proud) since going sober, the bond I have with my 4 children is amazing! I love it, we sit and chat and the feeling of love I have inside I can not even put into words. I wish my boys read my blog and see how much they save my life every single day without knowing. I really do love them with all I am. I'm having another better today, mentally I feel better, so, i'm thankful. I've come to realise that i'm a strong woman, I know the medication is helping but it's me that's determined not to die. I feel stronger mentally, or is that just because i'm having a few good days? Oh, I hope I feel better for more than a few days.

I feel so much better today, today I can see how far i've come from last year. This time last year, I wasn't leaving the house, i'd secluded myself from the world. It's a shame I still have really low days but I'm so thankful for the few and far between good days I have. I've been to visit my mum today for a few hours so that got me out the house. I gave up on the fruit fast after 2 days, i'm sat stuffing my face now with crisps and chocolate. I've put so much weight on due to the medication but due know what, i'll take the weight gain in order to feel somewhat happier. I've been so hung up on being skinny all my life, i've wasted so many years trying to lose weight and i've realised today, if somebody wants to be with me they'll just have to accept me as the weight I am. I'm sick of trying to be slimmer, i'm wasting my life trying to seek approval from others and why should I care? From now on, i'm going to embrace my cur...

Feel a bit better today, what ever I was coming down with yesterday I managed to starve it out of me. I did a fruit and water fast. I'm on day 2 of a 3 day fruit fast, trying to cleanse my insides. I can only assume thats why I feel better today. I find myself asking out loud 'how are you dead?', I still can't get my head around it but i'm getting there slowly. I know my dads never coming back, so now I need to rebuild myself. The fruit and water fast will help me. Clean eating and thinking, its good for the mind and body. Not going lie, i've cooked for my son and the smell is amazing but I refuse to quit on day 2 :) The longing for my dad will never go away, I just need to learn to live with it, but how? When a big part of your life is missing, how exactly do you move on?

I woke up today feeling poorly, my heart is so heavy today. See what I mean about the good days not lasting! I wish I was dead today and that maybe hard for you to read, but, it is the truth. I feel poorly, my body aches and i'm also sad that my dad is no longer here. When will I come to terms with his death? Like seriously, when will I start to feel better? I'm sat crying. Part of me knows he's never coming back, but the rest of me longs to see him again. It will be 3 years November 15th since he left me all alone, you'd think it was only yesterday the way I talk about him. How after all this time am I still not dealing with his death. Why does it feel like everyone has just moved on with their lives but i'm still riddled with grief? Crying won't bring my dad back but the tears are still falling as I write this blog. I can't see a future, does that sort of make sense? I can't see myself being alive until an old age and thats sad but true. The medication...

A better day, I knew it would happen and it has, I also know it won't last but these are the days I fight my demons for. I've done nothing special but I woke up feeling better. I'm thankful for these days because it makes me realise happier days are possible. One day I will be truly happy and until that day comes, i'll keep fighting through the bad days :)

So for the past 2 weeks i've slept every single day. Maybe it's the depression, I don't know... I do the school run, I get back home and I feel drained. I'm just so tired, maybe i'm tired of fighting the intrusive thoughts everyday. The worst thing about having cancer is that anything the goes wrong or feels wrong with my body, I automatically think it's cancer again. So with how tired I am, I keep thinking what if the cancer is back. You know what, I should see my doctor to put my mind at ease. I'll ring tomorrow, if I remember. The memory loss with the menopause is shocking, my memory is terrible. I've gained so much weight because of my medication. My life really is pretty sh!t. What a sh!t day.

Somewhere between the old me and the new me, I have lost the real me... How do I find me again? I keep thinking i'm getting better, I mean today wasn't too bad but, i'm still lost as to who I am. Cancer forced me through the menopause and I think that's why I feel so lost, I mean not only that, my best friend dying sort of hit me like a blow to the stomach. My dad was my best friend and he never taught me how to live without him, thats why i'm struggling so much in life. He did everything for me and now i'm clueless in life. I really am a lost soul. The sadness I feel doesn't just hit once a day, it happens numerous times all through out the day, every single fucking day!! I'm not even sorry about how much I mention my dad, I miss him with all I am. Theres an emptiness inside me that will never be filled. What a sad existance I am.....

Life seems to be passing me bye and I seem to be stuck in a lonely hole. How do I get myself out of the way I feel? How do I get out of this hole i'm stuck in? How do I find myself when i'm completely lost in life? I thought I was getting better but i'm clearly not. I am so lost in life. It's like groundhog day, every single waking day! Get me out of this matrix that i'm living in.. Am I even living? This isn't living. I'm purly surviving for my children and thats all. I'm struggling today with my sobriety, I won't give in, but, I am struggling. If I was a drinker id be able socialise but, I don't and i've lost everyone whilst going sober. I'm a better person now i'm sober, but it's all for my children. Every thing I do is for them and nothing for myself. What could I even do for myself? How can I make life better for myself? I just don't know any more. I don't know who I am, i've lost my identity. I lost myself after ...

Attended church this morning, had anxiety about going, why, I don't know because i've been going since November 2022. Anxiety sucks but saying that I pushed through and went alone. I prefer to be alone in church, gives me time to focus on the good things I have in my life. Makes me feel thankful that my children and I are healthy and well. I mean, I could be better mentally but that'll come soon i'm sure of it. I have no love life and I have no life, this is all down to me being mentally ill and I hope in the future all this changes, i'm so desperate to be well mentally. I just want to be happy inside. I wear a fake smile daily and it takes its toll at the end of the day. When i'm home alone I don't have to pretend to be happy. My children know i'm unwell and they're my biggest supporters, when i'm around them the smile they see is real and I smile because of them. Will I ever be truly happy? My dads death has impacted me in ways I never knew a d...

Sobriety is so hard but today i'm winning. My son Jasper told me he was proud of me and to hear them words is all i've ever wanted. I dream about drinking alcohol and I wake up and thank god it was just a dream. I won't lie, its not easy, I have days still where I crave alcohol, you'd think at 560 days i'd be over the cravings but nope I still struggle but, I have not once given in. I stay sober for my children, i've not done much in life to be proud of but, birthing my 4 babies and going sober, these are my greatest achievements. I'm so proud of myself, 560 days is a massive achievement. Today I am feeling very emotional, I so wish my dad could see the person i've become today ( broke down crying now ), he would be so proud of me. I hope he can see me where ever he is and I pray he's super proud of me. I'm dead inside and fighting demons but i'm never giving up, i'll fight depression as long as I possibly can. Most days I want to die but...

It's Friday and I can say i've had a better day, we all know this doesn't last long so I need to be thankful I have better days. Been to a craft and worship group this afternoon with Jesse at school. His little face lit up when he saw me, its times like this I have to remind myself how sad he would be if I hadn't of turned up. Suicide would be an easy option but would devastate my children, they need me and I need them. They don't realise they save me every single day without knowing. Considering its summer, it's pouring it down with rain, so Jesse and I are home from school and straight in our pjs. Told my dad I miss him today, like I do everyday. I'm starting to process his death more now, I mean its been 2 and half years since he passed away so its about time isn't it?. I don't know whats happened to me since his death, my whole world was flipped upside down. I don't rememeber the old Ann-Louise, just this new sober version i'm discovering...

Straightened my hair today, you're probably thinking, so what, but its a massive thing for me to actually be bothered with myself. I won't lie, I felt no better for doing it, but, at least I made the effort. I'm back in my bedroom now writing this blog. I spend so much time in my bedroom its not healthy but its where I feel comfortable and at peace. My dads in my bedroom so it's nice to be with him. I've come to terms with the fact he is dead..finally. I know he's not coming back and thats what hurts. This week i've beaten myself up thinking I could of done more to save him. I tried my best but i'll always think, what could I of done to prolong his life. The fact I had to take his oxygen away, eats away at me, but I know he'd of hated me watching him die in that hospital bed. I'm coming to terms more now that he's never coming back but let me tell you, that shit hurts deeply. Every day I long to see his face or hear his voice. Is this my life...

It's Wednesday night now, i've slept the week away. I feel so drained this week, I never sleep through the day but every day this week I have. I'm so sick and tired, of being sick and tired of life. I've seriously got no interest in being alive, the only thing i'm here for is my 4 children. If it wasn't for them i'd be dead. My life is like groundhog day, but worse..

I slept my day away today, I feel drained. I forced myself to get up and take Jesse-John to school then I came back, got back in bed and slept for 3 and half hours. I mean, comne on, thats some nap right?!? After that I felt ok, its been a better day menatlly but thats probably due to the massive nap I had..

I'm a year and half completely sober, I'm also very highly medicated.  I hope one day I'll be completely free from medication, I hate taking as much as I do but without it would I even be alive?? Is it because of the medication or am I just strong willed. I'd like to think it's the latter but unfortunately, I think it's the medication.. I take 375mg of Venlafexine every morning, I wear HRT patches that I have to change every 3 days and I take 10mg of Olanzapine every night. See what I mean by highly medicated?! How am I even meant to get off such high medication? I think I'll be on HRT for the rest of my life but the other meds I want to be free from eventually. I know it won't be this year or even next year but my goal is to be free from meds. I'm sat contemplating life this morning, I'm tired and I just want to sleep today. My hairs a mess, I have roots and I feel ugly.. I know tomorrow might be better and that's what I hold on to. It's...

My son Jensen treated me today to some headphones, he spent £70 out his wages he has earnt and treated his mum. He doesn't realise how much these will help me when i'm feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, music has always been a gateway for me. Now I can wear my headphones and cancel out the world, he really doesn't know how much I appreciate and love him. I keep thinking, God knew my dad wasn't going to be around for a long life so he blessed me with 4 boys to look after me. Since going sober the bond I have with all 4 of my children is unreal, they're my best friends and I love them more than life itself. It is true what they say, some mums are only alive today because of thier children. I am only alive today because I couldn't bare the thought of them losing a parent and feeling the way I do. I've always been open to them about my mental health, they are aware that some days I just want to die, as much as I wear a fake smile on my face, they know when i...

I've been seeing Angel Numbers now for over a year, the reason I know this is because it came up in my TimeHop. Timehop is something that's connected to Facebook, which shows your memories of things you've posted. Anyway, as I was saying, I've been seeing Angel numbers for over a year. Over a year of seeing number formations and googling their meaning. Over a year of obsessing over numbers that are telling me my guardian angels are looking after me and that I'm on the right track in life. I seriously think I've lost my mind but also, thinking about it, I am getting better so I'm a massive believer that my dad is guiding me. I know I've said this before but it's the only explanation I have as to me still being alive. My dad is my guardian angel, I just know he is. I see these so called angel numbers all throughout the day. It all started over a year ago, I remember putting my earphones in and listening to Chakra meditation sounds.. I feel like I unloc...

I've been to Church, I feel so much peace when i'm there and then I come back home and my mind goes on overdrive all over again. The feeling of being lost.. does that make sense?? I feel like I don't belong, I don't fit in. Still trying to figure out my purpose and hoping it isn't just being a mum. I love being a mum don't get me wrong but i'm hoping theres more to my life than just being a mum. What are my hobbies, my interests? I've got no clue. I've got zero interest in life. I hope this time next year i'm blogging about how happy I am, because looking back to this time last year, I was in a real dark place. So, I know i'm getting better, I can tell in myself i'm doing better than I was but I just want to feel happiness. Am I asking for too much?

I wake up and I wish my day away, then tomorrow comes and I wish it all over again. I'm living in a loop, constant loop, each day rolls into the next and I'm just here surviving. It's still July 1st 2023. Positivity has already gone out the window.

A brand new month to start again. I'm praying for happiness, that is all. I mean i'd like a bit of wealth but i'll take happiness over anything. I'm going to try and be as positive as I can possibly be. I just want to be happy, am I asking for too much?? Only I can change the outcome of my life, but i'm sat wondering how I make things happen. What do I want out of life besides happiness? I use to have asperations but at the moment, staying alive is my main goal.. I am that lost in life, i'm not really sure how I find myself. I'm living a completly sober life and since going sober i've lost a lot of friends. The reason I don't know who I am is because for many years, since I can remember I have drank alcohol, so since I went sober i'm on a journey of self discovery and learning to love myself again.. this new version of me. God its hard, sobriety isn't easy at all. I still crave alcohol now and then and the only way I get through them days is ...