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Straightened my hair today, you're probably thinking, so what, but its a massive thing for me to actually be bothered with myself. I won't lie, I felt no better for doing it, but, at least I made the effort. I'm back in my bedroom now writing this blog. I spend so much time in my bedroom its not healthy but its where I feel comfortable and at peace. My dads in my bedroom so it's nice to be with him. I've come to terms with the fact he is dead..finally. I know he's not coming back and thats what hurts. This week i've beaten myself up thinking I could of done more to save him. I tried my best but i'll always think, what could I of done to prolong his life. The fact I had to take his oxygen away, eats away at me, but I know he'd of hated me watching him die in that hospital bed. I'm coming to terms more now that he's never coming back but let me tell you, that shit hurts deeply. Every day I long to see his face or hear his voice. Is this my life forever now until I die?? I missed going to Church Sunday and i'm wondering if thats why i've had a bad week, Church keeps me grounded and focused. I believe my dad died in order for me to survive my own cancer. You probably think i've lost the plot, don't worry I do to. I wake up every morning and I wish the days away. I can't wait to go back sleep. I really do hate being alive but what I have to remind myself is this.. if I killed myself my children will go through what i'm going through and that smacks me up the face and keeps me going. No way could I bare the thought of my children feeling the way I do about life. No way, not today. I sure am one hell of a fighter. My strength comes from knowing my dad is guiding me. Believe it or not this blog i've been writing for the past few years has helped me so much. Getting my emotions out and on to paper so to speak helps so much. If you're ever feeling like me i'd definitely get a journal or start a blog. The beauty of the blog is that i'm probably venting to myself because who knows if anyone reads the shit I write, but it does me good. Take care xxx

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