Straightened my hair today, you're probably thinking, so what, but its a massive thing for me to actually be bothered with myself.
I won't lie, I felt no better for doing it, but, at least I made the effort.
I'm back in my bedroom now writing this blog. I spend so much time in my bedroom its not healthy but its where I feel comfortable and at peace.
My dads in my bedroom so it's nice to be with him. I've come to terms with the fact he is dead..finally.
I know he's not coming back and thats what hurts. This week i've beaten myself up thinking I could of done more to save him. I tried my best but i'll always think, what could I of done to prolong his life.
The fact I had to take his oxygen away, eats away at me, but I know he'd of hated me watching him die in that hospital bed. I'm coming to terms more now that he's never coming back but let me tell you, that shit hurts deeply.
Every day I long to see his face or hear his voice. Is this my life forever now until I die??
I missed going to Church Sunday and i'm wondering if thats why i've had a bad week, Church keeps me grounded and focused.
I believe my dad died in order for me to survive my own cancer. You probably think i've lost the plot, don't worry I do to.
I wake up every morning and I wish the days away. I can't wait to go back sleep. I really do hate being alive but what I have to remind myself is this.. if I killed myself my children will go through what i'm going through and that smacks me up the face and keeps me going. No way could I bare the thought of my children feeling the way I do about life. No way, not today.
I sure am one hell of a fighter. My strength comes from knowing my dad is guiding me.
Believe it or not this blog i've been writing for the past few years has helped me so much. Getting my emotions out and on to paper so to speak helps so much.
If you're ever feeling like me i'd definitely get a journal or start a blog. The beauty of the blog is that i'm probably venting to myself because who knows if anyone reads the shit I write, but it does me good.
Take care xxx
March 1st Sunday.
Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...
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