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My son Jensen treated me today to some headphones, he spent £70 out his wages he has earnt and treated his mum. He doesn't realise how much these will help me when i'm feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, music has always been a gateway for me. Now I can wear my headphones and cancel out the world, he really doesn't know how much I appreciate and love him. I keep thinking, God knew my dad wasn't going to be around for a long life so he blessed me with 4 boys to look after me. Since going sober the bond I have with all 4 of my children is unreal, they're my best friends and I love them more than life itself. It is true what they say, some mums are only alive today because of thier children. I am only alive today because I couldn't bare the thought of them losing a parent and feeling the way I do. I've always been open to them about my mental health, they are aware that some days I just want to die, as much as I wear a fake smile on my face, they know when i'm really unwell mentally. I can't tell you how much these headphones will help my mental health. If one day I end it all, I want my Jay-Dee, Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John to know how much I truly love them. My blog is here for them to see how hard I tried to win in life. I sit alone most days and I tell myself 'I can't do this anymore', I say it most days but here I am day after day showing up for my boys. I can't tell you how much these boys of mine save my life every single day and they are completely unaware of this. I am blessed to have birthed 4 amazing children. If I got one thing in life right, it was the birth of my 4 boys.
These intrusive thoughts will end up killing me one day and that makes me sad because I'm trying to live so badly 😢 

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