-
My son Jensen treated me today to some headphones, he spent £70 out his wages he has earnt and treated his mum. He doesn't realise how much these will help me when i'm feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, music has always been a gateway for me. Now I can wear my headphones and cancel out the world, he really doesn't know how much I appreciate and love him. I keep thinking, God knew my dad wasn't going to be around for a long life so he blessed me with 4 boys to look after me. Since going sober the bond I have with all 4 of my children is unreal, they're my best friends and I love them more than life itself. It is true what they say, some mums are only alive today because of thier children. I am only alive today because I couldn't bare the thought of them losing a parent and feeling the way I do. I've always been open to them about my mental health, they are aware that some days I just want to die, as much as I wear a fake smile on my face, they know when i'm really unwell mentally. I can't tell you how much these headphones will help my mental health. If one day I end it all, I want my Jay-Dee, Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John to know how much I truly love them. My blog is here for them to see how hard I tried to win in life. I sit alone most days and I tell myself 'I can't do this anymore', I say it most days but here I am day after day showing up for my boys. I can't tell you how much these boys of mine save my life every single day and they are completely unaware of this. I am blessed to have birthed 4 amazing children. If I got one thing in life right, it was the birth of my 4 boys.
These intrusive thoughts will end up killing me one day and that makes me sad because I'm trying to live so badly 😢 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more