Sunday July 16th 2023

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Attended church this morning, had anxiety about going, why, I don't know because i've been going since November 2022. Anxiety sucks but saying that I pushed through and went alone. I prefer to be alone in church, gives me time to focus on the good things I have in my life. Makes me feel thankful that my children and I are healthy and well. I mean, I could be better mentally but that'll come soon i'm sure of it. I have no love life and I have no life, this is all down to me being mentally ill and I hope in the future all this changes, i'm so desperate to be well mentally. I just want to be happy inside. I wear a fake smile daily and it takes its toll at the end of the day. When i'm home alone I don't have to pretend to be happy. My children know i'm unwell and they're my biggest supporters, when i'm around them the smile they see is real and I smile because of them. Will I ever be truly happy? My dads death has impacted me in ways I never knew a death could. Theres a massive dark hole inside me that I doubt will ever be filled, no amount of love will ever replace my father. That man was my entire world.. Anyway, heres to another sober lonely day trapped inside my own mind. Take care x

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