Saturday July 22nd 2023

I woke up today feeling poorly, my heart is so heavy today. See what I mean about the good days not lasting! I wish I was dead today and that maybe hard for you to read, but, it is the truth. I feel poorly, my body aches and i'm also sad that my dad is no longer here. When will I come to terms with his death? Like seriously, when will I start to feel better? I'm sat crying. Part of me knows he's never coming back, but the rest of me longs to see him again. It will be 3 years November 15th since he left me all alone, you'd think it was only yesterday the way I talk about him. How after all this time am I still not dealing with his death. Why does it feel like everyone has just moved on with their lives but i'm still riddled with grief? Crying won't bring my dad back but the tears are still falling as I write this blog. I can't see a future, does that sort of make sense? I can't see myself being alive until an old age and thats sad but true. The medication numbs me for a few days and then every so often it hits me all over again like it has today. This isn't living, i'm purely surviving for my children, just so they don't lose a parent like I have. I couldn't bare my children feeling the way I do. I say this but I also think one day the depression will win and i'll be gone...