I'm lost.

-
Life seems to be passing me bye and I seem to be stuck in a lonely hole. How do I get myself out of the way I feel? How do I get out of this hole i'm stuck in? How do I find myself when i'm completely lost in life? I thought I was getting better but i'm clearly not. I am so lost in life. It's like groundhog day, every single waking day! Get me out of this matrix that i'm living in.. Am I even living? This isn't living. I'm purly surviving for my children and thats all. I'm struggling today with my sobriety, I won't give in, but, I am struggling. If I was a drinker id be able socialise but, I don't and i've lost everyone whilst going sober. I'm a better person now i'm sober, but it's all for my children. Every thing I do is for them and nothing for myself. What could I even do for myself? How can I make life better for myself? I just don't know any more. I don't know who I am, i've lost my identity. I lost myself after my dad died, then I had cancer and I vanished. It's like I don't exist anymore. I'm just a mum and as much as I love my children, I need to find me again. The intrusive thoughts I have are louder today but it's probably due to how shitty I feel. The only thing stoppping me from killing myself is my children. That is all.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more