Cancer, Depression and Me.

I feel so depressed and drained. I know it's because my sons anniversary of his death is fast approaching and I'm dreading it. I watched the video of photo clips from Jay-Dees funeral last night that has his funeral song playing in the background and my heart sank into my stomach.  I ask myself why everyday. I also ask myself how I've made it through each day. I feel like my days are repetitive and they are just drifting into one day. I feel like it was only yesterday that I lost my first born child. God the days are hard work. People tell me I'm strong, but they don't realise how hard everyday is. I don't feel strong. I'm ready give up. How much longer do I have to live like this? I'm still grieving my father's death 4 and a half years on and it still kills me inside. I just wish I was dead.. Finding the will to live every morning when I open my eyes is hard work. I wouldn't wish grief on anyone, it's mentally and physically draining. How ha...

I've spent the morning painting Jesse's bedroom. It was finally time. It was Jay-Dees bedroom so it wasn't an easy thing to do. It was hard enough moving Jesse into there, but he was sharing a room with me. I've put Jay-Dees canvas back up and it will always stay there. Its a canvas of a film called 'Everything Everywhere All At Once'. It was Jay-Dees favourite movie. He said it changed the way he looked at life. I've watched the film and its a crazy way of thinking. Jesse chose yellow for his room, so yellow is what I brought. I've done 2 coats on 2 walls. I hate decorating with a passion, but I needed to make a start. I've done some washing and pegged it all out on the line. Its warm and windy so it'll dry in no time. I didn't do alot yesterday, my mate came for a few hours but that's it. Jasper is coming to sleep tonight, he doesn't usually sleep through the week, just a Saturday, but it's half term so I don't mind.  I'...

Had my 13th driving lesson this morning, was able to take Jesse with me. My driving instructor had a booster seat. It went well, i did hit a curb but it still went well. Stalled it twice but that's fine haha. Not long got home from my CT scan, don't know what they put into you but it made my whole body red hot. Such a weird feeling, I could taste metal as it run through my veins. So now I have the agonising wait for the results. I've prayed my cancer isn't back and there's nothing else I can do. Its out of my hands now. Everything will be fine, we'll, that's what I'm telling myself. Can you imagine if my cancer is back? Surely not, one person can only have a certain amount of bad luck, surely to God. I think cancer may just kill me off mentally. It doesn't bare thinking about does it?  Anyway, I'm home now and into my pj's. Jasper's here, he comes everyday, but he came earlier today to have Jesse whilst I went the hospital. So anyway I...

Had the best day yesterday, i went to my friends daughters baptism and it was a lovely service. I didn't go the pub after for drinks, I didn't feel ready to be in a pub. I'm ok going somewhere that does food with a play area for Jesse, but I'm not ready for a proper pub. After the service I went for dinner with Jensen and Jesse which was lovely, I just love being with my boys. My friend came around yesterday evening for a few hours and Jasper came around to spend the night again. I was busy all day and it did me the world of good. In a week's time it will be a year for Jay-Dee. I was telling Jasper yesterday that it feels like it happened just yesterday and he said the same. He said he's stuck on the day it happened and the world just keeps moving. That's exactly how I feel. I talk to Jasper loads, he's like my best friend. Well all my boys are my best friends, but I find it easy to tell Jasper my problems. He listens and understands. He said he's su...

I've felt ok the past few days, but that's because I've had stuff to do. Yesterday I went out for dinner with Tom and his daughter and I took Jesse-John. Then in the afternoon I had a bust of energy so I got my cleaning head on and blitzed the house. Don't know where my energy came from but I used it wisely and cleaned my house. I cleaned all my fire and Jay-Dees urn. His urn sits on my fire place so he's with me everyday. I talk to my dad and Jay-Dee everyday in the hopes that they hear me. I believe they hear me. My brothers been visit today for a few hours because it's his birthday. He's 39 today. He does alot for me, he knows how bad my anxiety is so sometimes I don't leave the house, he gets my medication every month for me. He's like my best friend. He always makes me laugh even when I'm sad. Tomorrow ill be going church, but a different church. I'll be going St Mary's tomorrow because my friends daughter is being baptised. I've...

I've felt better yesterday and today. My friend came last night for a few hours which cheered me up. Today hasn't been to bad because my brother came down for the day after he finished work. He starts work at stupid o clock in the morning and then he's done by dinner time, so he's happy. I'm meeting Tom tomorrow for food too so that'll be nice. I feel like I need to be doing something to keep my mind occupied.  My friends know I'm struggling and I'm so thankful for them all that get me through each day. Jesse broke up today for half term and its given out rain all next week, how fucking typical. I know it's the evening, but I've just pegged a load of washing out in the hopes it doesn't rain over night. I brought a bottle of whiskey a few days ago for my brother, for his birthday and it didn't bother me one bit. I thought it would make me want a drink but it didn't. I'm 3 and a half years sober, it's crazy to think I've gon...

I'm still feeling low. I've spent the day under my blanket on the settee. Tired of doing life, from the bottom of my heart I am tired. I get a good 8-9 hours sleep a night (because I'm medicated) but I'm still tired through the day. I feel drained. I'm submerged in water with just my head staying afloat. That's how I feel. I'm riddled with grief. My body is tired. Tired of fighting everyday to stay alive. The only comfort I get is when I climb into bed at night. I love being asleep. Its my escape from this shitty world we live in. I try so hard everyday to survive, but it drains you. I'm so depressed i hate it. I hate my life. I hate being alive. Today I wish I was dead. I need something good to happen before I end up giving up on life.  That's it for today.

Not taken Jesse school today, I'm going end up with a fine, but some days i just don't feel like doing life. Does that make sense? I'm just fed up of feeling drained by life. I've done nothing all day except a load of washing that I've pegged out to dry. I'll be glad when it's bed time if I'm honest. I take vitamins everyday, I've been taking them for a few months now and i don't feel any better. Its my soul that's tired so no amount of vitamins can cure that. I'm mentally drained. Grief is draining my existence. I get up everyday and can't wait go back to bed. I'm numb. All I feel everyday is sadness. What a sad existence I am. I could lie down now under my blanket and just wish the day away. I'm tired of being alive. It's not just a bad day because I've been feeling like this for the past few weeks. I'm just living each day waiting to die. How sad is that? Jesse's over the moon to be off school and I on the o...

My mum came to visit me yesterday, i don't see her often so it was nice, even if she did only stay for an hour.. I've been to church this morning and stayed for a cuppa tea and some biscuits, then I've been my friends house, for yep you guessed it, more cups of tea. She's feeling low at minute same as me. We were talking about all the jobs around the house that need doing but not having the money to do them. It's depressing, she works full time and still struggles. I wish I had a job but I know I'm not mentally well enough. I will be soon I hope. I'd love to be in work, it would help to take my mind off everything. Anyway, I had a lovely morning in church, there was a baptism today for a baby. He didn't get submerged into a bath like I did, they just wet his little head. He had a lovely christening gown on. It was a lovely morning. Jesse went out with Damian before I went to Church and still isn't home. He has the best days out with Damian.  I've...

I'm mentally unwell, what if I never get better? What if this is how I've got to live this life? I can't live like this until I die.  I've got to be due some luck, surely. I've had enough heartbreak to last me a life time. I've had a pretty shit week this week. I can't stop thinking about Jay-Dees 1 year anniversary coming up. How has it been nearly a year? I've blinked and time has passed me by. This isn't living. There's times that I wish I was dead, I thought about killing myself yesterday and then I stopped and thought about Jesse waiting at school for me to collect him. I thought about how it would destroy my 3 boys, so you see, I've got no choice but to live this shitty life. I pray that things will get better. One day I'm going to write a blog about how I've overcome everything I'm going through, I'm going to write about happiness. Not today, but one day. I know God is carrying me through each day. I'm thankful i fo...

I sat looking at my left arm earlier, I sat and stared at all the scars from self harming. It made me so sad, but also feeling proud that I've not self harmed for nearly a year. I've self harmed since my teens, so to have gone nearly a year without cutting myself is amazing. I keep thinking of getting a tattoo to try and cover it because now the weather is nice my arm is on show. Made me realise how mentally unwell I've been for so long and adding death and cancer into the equation, and I'm not sure how I'm still alive... My new canvas of Jay-Dee arrived today to go on my stairs, it's beautiful. I'm so sad that my son and my father are dead. Some days I feel like I'm getting better and days like today remind me that I'm not. It'll be June 2nd soon, the day my boy passed away. It honestly kills me inside. I died inside the day I held my dad as he passed away and what was left of it died when I didn't get to say good bye to my son and he tragic...

The past few days have been draining, I've had no energy. I didn't take Jesse school yesterday, but wish I had. I've just felt so tired. My son brought some allergy tablets yesterday so I took one in the afternoon and after about an hour I started to feel a bit better. Surely hay-fever can't make you feel drained. To be fair I couldn't even breathe properly, my nose felt like it was closed. Its got to of been hay-fever. But anyway, I feel so much better today, thank god.  I've just cooked a chilli for tea, just got do the rice after school.  I feel mentally drained just lately and I just keep thinking it's because Jay-Dees anniversary of his death is fast approaching. God I miss my child so much.  I've decided today to cut out all the rubbish I eat, especially chocolate. I'm murder for chocolate, I've got such a sweet tooth since being on Olanzopine.  I've just had my morning medication and that's about it for today. I did all my washing ...

I don't know if it's because it's Monday or I'm just having a shit day, but I woke up feeling drained this morning. I came back from the school and curled up in a ball on the settee and fell asleep for a few hours. I've felt tired all day. I feel physically drained along with being mentally drained. I wish I could stay in bed all day and shut the world out. Its tiring trying to live.  I've been Asda 3 times today, once before the school run. I'll tell you why.. I brought sweets for Jesse to take in school for his birthday but I didn't buy enough, so we went to buy more and he took them in school for his friends. Then I went after school this morning to get stuff for tea and then before the school run this afternoon to buy a baguette. That's alot of times in 1 day to visit Asda. I can't wait get into bed. I've had enough of today.  Diets gone shit today, I ate a big dairy milk. I fucking give up trying to lose weight, I'm fed up of it. Why...

Jesse-Johns 9th birthday today, he woke up early all excited bless him. He's gone bowling with Damian, Louise, Jensen, Jasper, Mabel and Max and I went Church. It was communion today so we had a blessing with bread and non alcoholic wine.  We've all had birthday cake for breakfast.  I'm going have to diet tomorrow, i swear I start a diet every Monday and fail come Wednesday haha. I did a wash before I went Church and pegged it out on the washing line. The weather is gorgeous again. I'm tired today but I'm going Rachaels soon for a catch up and a cuppa. I'm not feeling to bad today mentally speaking, I always feel better for going to church. I had a cup of tea and a cake after church with my friends, that was nice. Makes me sad that they've all gone bowling and it's just Jay-Dee missing. Its hard on days like today where I know he would of gone with them all. Jesse wanted me go too but I just wasn't feeling it. Plus I really wanted to go to church. I ...

What an amazing day ive had with my Jensen and Jasper on our trip to Bakewell. The sun was shining, it's been really lovely. I absolutely love spending time with my children. I'm blessed to of birthed 4 amazing boys. Jensen is 21 and still wants to do stuff with me. I feel truly blessed. We had a lovely meal out and walked around the town and did some shopping. I've never had a Bakewell pudding before until today, omg, it's the nicest thing I've ever tasted. It tastes so nice. Jesse's birthday tomorrow, he's mega excited bless him. Can't believe he's turning 9. My last baby boy. Cancer made sure he was my last because I had to have a full hysterectomy. I've been on HRT now for 4 years. Crazy how fast time goes. Its like I blink and the year goes by. I've just got Jesse in the bath and washed his hair so he's nice and clean to go bowling in the morning. He's so excited.  I've had a really good day, I still thought about my dad and ...

My friends came last night and we had a good catch up, they asked me why I was feeling sad. I told them it's nearly a year for Jay-Dee and it'll kills me inside. I've not felt much better today. My brother came this morning, he stayed a few hours then Jensen dropped him off at home. I've done 2 loads of washing today and pegged them out. I love it when the weather is nice and I don't have to use my dryer. I'm going Bakewell tomorrow with Jensen and Jesse. It'll be nice to get out of the house and its given out lovely weather too, so should be a nice day out. Jesse seems hypo today, he's on a countdown for his birthday Sunday. He's so excited bless him. I feel like shit today, can't wait go bed if I'm honest. Its really affecting me that it's nearly a year for Jay-Dee. It's my sisters birthday the day Jay-Dee passed away and she said she's bringing her birthday forward to the end of this month. Non of us can believe it's nearly...

I relive the phone call I made to Damian the morning of Jay-Dees death. I remember telling him the police were here and that Jay-Dee was dead. He turned up to the house within minutes. I relive Jay-Dees death everyday. I ask him why everyday. Its coming upto a year since my son tragically passed away and it kills me inside. I act like I'm ok, but inside I'm dead. I'm so fed up with life. I'm fed up of being alive. I'm fed up of thinking what to do for tea everyday. I'm fed up of cleaning the house, I'm just so fed up of everything. I know I'm depressed and I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I'm just drifting through each day. My friends are coming later and all I want to do is cancel them coming. I'm just not feeling socialising. I know it will do me good seeing them, but I've not got the energy. I just want to get in bed and die. I told my mum yesterday that I go bed and hope i die in my sleep. She told me not to say that,...

I looked on my memories this morning and saw a photo of my 4 boys with their baby sister and it broke my heart. I ask myself why everyday. Why did my son have to kill himself? I know I'm going to ask this for the rest of my life. I'll post the photo at the end of my blog. I've been the cafe with my friends and my friend mentioned it will be a year for her dad passing away on the 11th of next month, and I told her how it will be a year for my son on the 2nd of next month. It was nice to talk to someone going through what I am. I'm dreading Jay-Dees one year anniversary. Its come around so fast. It really doesn't feel like a year. Life has been a blur for me. I was saying how I'm ok when I'm out of the house, it's when I'm stuck in on my own my mind goes on overdrive.  How is it nearly a year already? I've just done a wash and pegged it out, now I'm sat with a cup of tea writing this blog. I need to take my morning medication. I hate taking it....

Bank holiday Monday. I woke up this morning with a really bad stomach. Stomach cramps and pains, I was awake loads through the night with bad heartburn. As the days gone on my stomach has gotten a bit better. Its got to be the Domino's pizza I ate last night! That'll teach me for being greedy. I'm on a weight loss injection but I'm still eating loads ffs. I'm just meant to be a big girl, clearly. Damn this fucking medication!! My psychiatrist asked about my weight and reminded me once again that you can balloon on them. It's just great. I need the medication so I don't kill myself, but it's making me fat. I can't win in life, there's always something wrong. It's 4pm now and I'm tired but that'll be because of last night's shit sleep. I've just finished watching Seven Seconds on Netflix. It was very good. Knowing last night's pizza made me have a bad stomach, I went and ate the left over pizza earlier. I'm so greedy! I...

I set my alarm last night and got up this morning and went to Church. So glad I went. I always feel uplifted when I've been. My friends have been here all afternoon until this evening. I've engaged in conversation and even laughed a few times. I can mention Jay-Dee in conversation and not cry. I'm crying inside, but I don't let it show. I was telling them it will be a year next month for Jay-Dee and 5 years in November for my dad. I ask myself how have I made it this far without killing myself? I'm totally shocked at how I make it through each day.  My life is like a blur. I drift from one day to the next. Time is passing me bye and I'm stuck in grief. Grieving my father's death and now my sons death. Life has been traumatic the past 4 years. I'll be glad when an appointment comes through for trauma therapy. I wonder if the waiting list is long? I can imagine it is. Wonder how therapy will heal my trauma? Let's just hope it helps. Anyway, we've h...

I've taken Jesse out this morning for a breakfast date, just the 2 of us. That's a massive thing for me because of how bad my anxiety is. I'm trying my best to get better and push myself to do things. It was lovely, we had a big breakfast each then we walked across to Heron Foods to get some goodies for tonight. Jasper sleeps on a Saturday so it's take away night tonight. I'll never be thin haha. Life is too short to not enjoy food, that's what I think anyway. We've come back from having breakfast and got back in our pj's. I'm so proud of myself for taking Jesse out on my own.  Yesterday I did my garden, the grass was so overgrown so I had to strim it all first, then get the mower on it. Looks so much better now. Its not as warm today but I'm doing a wash and pegging it out. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday morning, she's making a referral for trauma therapy. I've had the worst few years anyone could have, from my dad d...

I went to my appointment yesterday, i was so anxious about going alone, but I went. I had an internal examination then I was sent for bloods, not sure why and now I've got wait for an appointment to come through for a scan. Not sure why I've had bloods taken and I don't know why I've got to go for a scan. Well I do, it's to check see if the cancer is back. But why? Did he see something inside of me or is it just routine? I don't remember having bloods or a scan last year when I was examined. Anyway, I'll go for the scan when the letter comes and I'm praying my cancer isn't back. I was sat in the waiting area and looking around, everyone had someone with them, except me. I went alone. Who would I of took? I don't have a partner so I have no choice but to go alone. I hated having the internal examination but glad it's done with for another year. I waited outside the hospital for 40 minutes waiting for a taxi in the red hot sun. I'll be glad...