May 4th Sunday.

I set my alarm last night and got up this morning and went to Church. So glad I went. I always feel uplifted when I've been.

My friends have been here all afternoon until this evening. I've engaged in conversation and even laughed a few times. I can mention Jay-Dee in conversation and not cry. I'm crying inside, but I don't let it show. I was telling them it will be a year next month for Jay-Dee and 5 years in November for my dad.

I ask myself how have I made it this far without killing myself? I'm totally shocked at how I make it through each day.  My life is like a blur. I drift from one day to the next. Time is passing me bye and I'm stuck in grief. Grieving my father's death and now my sons death. Life has been traumatic the past 4 years. I'll be glad when an appointment comes through for trauma therapy. I wonder if the waiting list is long? I can imagine it is. Wonder how therapy will heal my trauma? Let's just hope it helps.

Anyway, we've had Domino's pizza for tea and i am so full. I've just taken my night time meds and can't wait to get into bed. I finally saw my son in my dreams the other night, I forgot to say. I don't remember my dream but I remember seeing his face. Some times I can remember dreams and other times I can't. I love being asleep. I think it's because there might be a chance my dad or son will visit me. I hate being awake. I'd love to just die in my sleep. That would be perfect, but God keeps waking me up and for that i guess I should be grateful. I see my boys through the day and i pray I see my son and dad at night.

I'm stuck in between wanting to die and wanting to be alive for my children. 

I've said it before, if it wasn't for them I'd of been dead along time ago. The fact that I'm still alive pisses me off.

I'm here for the boys that's it.

I'm not striving, I'm surviving...