May 27th Tuesday.

Had my 13th driving lesson this morning, was able to take Jesse with me. My driving instructor had a booster seat.

It went well, i did hit a curb but it still went well. Stalled it twice but that's fine haha.

Not long got home from my CT scan, don't know what they put into you but it made my whole body red hot. Such a weird feeling, I could taste metal as it run through my veins. So now I have the agonising wait for the results. I've prayed my cancer isn't back and there's nothing else I can do. Its out of my hands now. Everything will be fine, we'll, that's what I'm telling myself. Can you imagine if my cancer is back? Surely not, one person can only have a certain amount of bad luck, surely to God. I think cancer may just kill me off mentally. It doesn't bare thinking about does it? 

Anyway, I'm home now and into my pj's. Jasper's here, he comes everyday, but he came earlier today to have Jesse whilst I went the hospital. So anyway I've just ordered a 16" pepperoni pizza for tea and a small chicken tikka massala pizza because I'm fat. Life's too short to be worrying about my weight, my cancer could be back so fuck my weight. I'll diet tomorrow haha.

It's pouring down with rain, it's given it out all of half term, how shit is that!

I'm going my mums tomorrow, we're doing each others roots. We're both qualified hairdressers so that's good. Shame I'm mentally ill because I would of been a brilliant hairdresser. Now I can't even hold a pair of scissors without my hands trembling. I'm pathetic. Death has destroyed me, I've said it before. Maybe when I'm better I could go back to college to do my level 3. Its crazy because I use to jump on a bus and travel anywhere alone, now I darent even get on a bus alone. Anxiety is ruining my life. I need to get better mentally, I need to find myself again. I'm so lost in life.