May 15th Thursday.

I sat looking at my left arm earlier, I sat and stared at all the scars from self harming. It made me so sad, but also feeling proud that I've not self harmed for nearly a year. I've self harmed since my teens, so to have gone nearly a year without cutting myself is amazing.

I keep thinking of getting a tattoo to try and cover it because now the weather is nice my arm is on show. Made me realise how mentally unwell I've been for so long and adding death and cancer into the equation, and I'm not sure how I'm still alive...

My new canvas of Jay-Dee arrived today to go on my stairs, it's beautiful. I'm so sad that my son and my father are dead.

Some days I feel like I'm getting better and days like today remind me that I'm not.

It'll be June 2nd soon, the day my boy passed away. It honestly kills me inside.

I died inside the day I held my dad as he passed away and what was left of it died when I didn't get to say good bye to my son and he tragically passed away. 

No wonder I'm such a mess. Its alot you know, losing 1 person is bad, but to then lose another and in such a short space of time. Its a nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from.

Everyday is a battle to survive. 

Every damn day is a fucking battle.

But I'm doing it, I'm making it through each day and that's a positive i guess.