May 29th Thursday.

I've spent the morning painting Jesse's bedroom. It was finally time. It was Jay-Dees bedroom so it wasn't an easy thing to do. It was hard enough moving Jesse into there, but he was sharing a room with me. I've put Jay-Dees canvas back up and it will always stay there. Its a canvas of a film called 'Everything Everywhere All At Once'. It was Jay-Dees favourite movie. He said it changed the way he looked at life. I've watched the film and its a crazy way of thinking. Jesse chose yellow for his room, so yellow is what I brought. I've done 2 coats on 2 walls. I hate decorating with a passion, but I needed to make a start.

I've done some washing and pegged it all out on the line. Its warm and windy so it'll dry in no time.

I didn't do alot yesterday, my mate came for a few hours but that's it. Jasper is coming to sleep tonight, he doesn't usually sleep through the week, just a Saturday, but it's half term so I don't mind. 

I'm going have to finish Jesse's room when he's at school because the next wall I've got to do is the one where his ps5 and tv are. 

I'm still watching Dexter, I'm on season 5 now. I think it's really good.

Jasper is on about applying for college ready for September. He dropped out of college because of Jay-Dees death but its time for him to go back. He turns 17 next month, its hard to comprehend. Doesn't seem like 2 minutes since I gave birth to him.

Jay-Dees anniversary is fast approaching and I'm dreading it. How is it a year in 4 days. How have I made it through the past year. Honestly, I can't believe I've made it this far without killing myself.

A year without seeing my child. It honestly rips my insides open, it kills me. 

I don't know how I'm doing life, I feel like every day is groundhog day. I'm not living, I'm just surviving. Its cruel keeping me alive. I just wish I'd die in my sleep. I couldn't think of anything more perfect. Just pass away in my sleep. It sounds perfect doesn't it? If I didn't have kids I would of killed myself after my father's death. I've been struggling since my dad died. My sons death has destroyed what was left of me..

I googled how long it takes for CT scan results and it can take upto 4 weeks ffs. 

I'll let you know as soon as I know.

Anyway, bye.