May 8th Thursday.

I relive the phone call I made to Damian the morning of Jay-Dees death. I remember telling him the police were here and that Jay-Dee was dead. He turned up to the house within minutes. I relive Jay-Dees death everyday. I ask him why everyday. Its coming upto a year since my son tragically passed away and it kills me inside. I act like I'm ok, but inside I'm dead.

I'm so fed up with life. I'm fed up of being alive. I'm fed up of thinking what to do for tea everyday. I'm fed up of cleaning the house, I'm just so fed up of everything. I know I'm depressed and I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I'm just drifting through each day. My friends are coming later and all I want to do is cancel them coming. I'm just not feeling socialising. I know it will do me good seeing them, but I've not got the energy. I just want to get in bed and die. I told my mum yesterday that I go bed and hope i die in my sleep. She told me not to say that, but it's true. How is it nearly a year since I last saw my son? Where has the past year gone? Everyday is hard work to get through. I feel like I'm drowning today and yet I've managed to strip, wash and dry my bedding and make it all back up. I've got functional depression. Life's shit.

I went the cafe this morning like usual,  saw my friends then went Asda. Its Jesse's birthday on Sunday, he'll be turning 9. I've got everything ready for his birthday, I just need to buy his cake tomorrow. Damian is taking him bowling on his birthday with his brothers and sister. He asked me if I wanted to go, but I'm not feeling very sociable. I told him I'm going church instead. I know they'll all have a good time without me. How is my last baby turning 9? The years are just passing me by. I've been depressed for that many years, i think i might be lost forever.

I don't remember a time I was genuinely happy. How sad is that? I've suffered with depression since I was a teenager, and it's just gotten worse since my dad died. The past 4 years have been so traumatic, I genuinely don't know how I've survived them. How I've not started drinking is beyond me. I'll be 3 and a half years sober next month. 3 and a half years with no alcohol.  Don't know how I've done it.

It's only half past 2 and I just want to get a bath, get in my pj's and rot in bed on my own. Maybe I'm feeling worse because it is coming upto Jay-Dees 1 year anniversary? I don't know, i just know i feel like shit today.