May 19th Monday.

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Not taken Jesse school today, I'm going end up with a fine, but some days i just don't feel like doing life. Does that make sense? I'm just fed up of feeling drained by life. I've done nothing all day except a load of washing that I've pegged out to dry. I'll be glad when it's bed time if I'm honest.
I take vitamins everyday, I've been taking them for a few months now and i don't feel any better. Its my soul that's tired so no amount of vitamins can cure that. I'm mentally drained. Grief is draining my existence. I get up everyday and can't wait go back to bed. I'm numb. All I feel everyday is sadness. What a sad existence I am. I could lie down now under my blanket and just wish the day away. I'm tired of being alive. It's not just a bad day because I've been feeling like this for the past few weeks. I'm just living each day waiting to die. How sad is that? Jesse's over the moon to be off school and I on the other hand, wish my lazy arse would of taken him to get me out of the house. Oh well, I'll take him tomorrow. He breaks up Thursday for a week, thank god. I just want to sleep my life away. If I didn't have Jesse I don't think id leave my bed. I know it's depression, I've been battling with depression since what feels like forever.
Why can't I deal with death when I'm not afraid to die? It's been 4 and a half years since my dad died and I'm still struggling with his death. Its nearly a year without my son and its eating away at me. 
I never got to say goodbye and that kills me inside. I saw him in the Chapel Of Rest and that imagine will stay with me forever. Feeling his ice cold skin, with no colour to it as I kissed him on his head. It haunts me daily. I remember kissing my dads head in the Chapel Of Rest, he too had no colour and was ice cold. How do you get over losing 2 people in such a short space of time? I've had my CT scan appointment through to see if my cancer is back. I've had to buy plastic jewellery to change all my piercings over before I go. I'm worried about the scan. Why send me for a scan after my internal? Did he see cancer? My mind is always on overdrive, over thinking everything. I hate it!
I just want to get better, but I ask myself, will I ever get better???

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