May 31st Saturday.

I feel so depressed and drained. I know it's because my sons anniversary of his death is fast approaching and I'm dreading it.

I watched the video of photo clips from Jay-Dees funeral last night that has his funeral song playing in the background and my heart sank into my stomach. 

I ask myself why everyday. I also ask myself how I've made it through each day.

I feel like my days are repetitive and they are just drifting into one day. I feel like it was only yesterday that I lost my first born child. God the days are hard work. People tell me I'm strong, but they don't realise how hard everyday is. I don't feel strong. I'm ready give up. How much longer do I have to live like this? I'm still grieving my father's death 4 and a half years on and it still kills me inside.

I just wish I was dead..

Finding the will to live every morning when I open my eyes is hard work.

I wouldn't wish grief on anyone, it's mentally and physically draining.

How have I made it in life since 2020.

My dad dying, then my cancer, then my son dying. I can't take anymore heartbreak. 

Tomorrow I will be 3 and a half years sober. I can't tell you the amount of times I've thought about hitting the bottle. I know i would kill myself in drink, so that's why I can't give in. People are shocked that I didn't turn to drink after Jay-Dees death, I honestly don't know how I haven't if I'm honest. I guess it's because I know I'd end up killing myself and I need to be here for my other children. 

I'm going to buy some flowers Monday and take them to Jay-Dees flower bed down the crem. Monday is going to be a sad day.