May 1st Thursday.

I went to my appointment yesterday, i was so anxious about going alone, but I went. I had an internal examination then I was sent for bloods, not sure why and now I've got wait for an appointment to come through for a scan. Not sure why I've had bloods taken and I don't know why I've got to go for a scan. Well I do, it's to check see if the cancer is back. But why? Did he see something inside of me or is it just routine? I don't remember having bloods or a scan last year when I was examined. Anyway, I'll go for the scan when the letter comes and I'm praying my cancer isn't back. I was sat in the waiting area and looking around, everyone had someone with them, except me. I went alone. Who would I of took? I don't have a partner so I have no choice but to go alone. I hated having the internal examination but glad it's done with for another year.

I waited outside the hospital for 40 minutes waiting for a taxi in the red hot sun. I'll be glad when I can drive.

My friend Rachael came last night to see me. We try see each other at least twice a week.

I've started reading a new book called 'Shattered, surviving the loss of a child'. I've read a few books about losing another child. Reading them makes me realise that I'm not alone in what I'm going through. 

The death of a child is the most excruciating pain your body can feel. I've said before how devastated I am to lose my father, but losing my son has killed me inside. I've lost my identity along the road of grief. I suffer with anxiety and i don't know why. I'm so depressed, yet know would ever know. I smile at my friends and they're non the wiser about how I feel inside. I died that day too, they just didn't bury me.

I have friends around me yet I still feel lonely. Death has destroyed me. 

I'm a shell of a person, I might smile at people and try to make conversations with my friends, but I am dead inside.

Will I ever get better mentally?